The tale of the printer that was always an a hole then suddenly came to life and was and even bigger asshat then normal.
So. one fine evening our sexy protagonist (let's call her Bridie) needed to print something, usually this was a task she dreaded, because her stupid fucking printer is always a piece of shit that never prints anything without at least an hour of "being offline" even though it's clearly online, varied verbal abuse and ocassonally hitting it and not so secretly hoping that it's not just the toys in toy story that can feel pain.
Sorry slight deviation from the story.
Anyway this night was no different in the fact that, this was a task she dreaded because her stupid fucking printer is always a piece of shit that never prints anything without at least an hour of "being offline" even though it's clearly online, varied verbal abuse and ocassonally hitting it and not so secretly hoping that it's not just the toys in toy story that can feel pain. Sorry again, last time I swear.... So as she booted up her printer and readied herself for the new onslaught of swears she could unleash, her printer had finally had enough.
The usual green light started to turn red then the rollers inside were whirring and before she had time to implement her cat like reflexes, the printer had leapt from the desk and slapped Bridie in the face with the flap from the attached scanner. now as you may or may not know our protagonist is extremely sarcastic and instead of running from the suddenly living and clearly pissed off printer. She proceeds to mock the fact that "out of all the potential cool and dangerous moves you could have used why did you think a slap was the best choice? I mean really the scanner flap isn't even heavy it didn't really hurt, like yeah it was shocking but really?"
The printer now on the floor at bridie's feet seemed to ponder this for a second then just got angrier (obviously) it began to cackle and screech. paper from its paper tray was flying all around the room (imagine that bit in Harry Potter with the Hogwarts acceptance letters but kind of menacing) the printer shouted "rise with me!" Bridie turned. Her TVs was on and joined in with the menacing laugh. "Why would you join forces with him" Bridie shouted over-dramatically "I've always loved you the most, how could you?" The tv didn't reply. which if you think about it is kind of odd, like why would the printer talk, but a tv that has speakers and could actually make sound, not choose this moment to respond. It's almost like the person who wrote this is putting very little effort in to dealing with inconsistencies.
Bridie, still sort of under-reacting at this point to the danger in the room hadn't left. maybe because she couldn't process the craziness unfolding before her, or maybe it's because deep down she knew if it came to it she could win in a fight against a printer,and her tv is screwed in to the wall so it's not really a threat. what ever it was that kept Bridie in that room we'll never know. soon she saw more and more of her electronics turn to life and make their way out of her room and towards the front door.
As soon as all the electronic devices left, Bridie sighed with relief and turned to get in bed and watch Netflix, it was then she started to understand the gravity of the situation. No electronics = no Netflix (cue twilight theme).
Shit was serious now, how else was she supposed to waste her valuable time, talk to family members or read a book made from trees like some kind of barbarian? No. Never. She needed to overthrow the printer overload and get her stuff back it was the only logical option in this absolutely batshit crazy (100% true) story.
She knew that the printer would have to be somewhere dry with a lot of plug sockets for his minions, so the only place that they could be hiding was the old extension cord factory conveniently located just outside of town, she walked there pretty quickly although silently because he ipod had betrayed her too.
Once she arrived at the door to the factory, she noticed it was being guarded by two old battery operated robot dogs. Having been an extremely lucky child she had one of these dogs growing up and started to devise a plan to distract them.
Step one: walk straight up to the door
Step two: stamp really hard on the plastic puppies heads.
Done.
She was in, that was a close one. Was then a giant monitor switched on suddenly and she saw the printer's face? Do printers have faces? Any way
"Well you're here earlier than expected, I'm impressed Bridie. But you won't get any further you see I have lived with you for years, I know all your weaknesses"
"What do you mean?" She shouted at the monitor not sure if she would be heard
"Why do you think i picked this spot as my headquarters?"
"Well it's an extension cord factory and your all electronic stuff so it was pretty obvious tbh"
"Correct. But no. The other reason is I, and all your stuff is on the second floor"
"You mean?"
"Exactly, you have to walk up a flight of stairs. HAHAHAHAHAHA! You'll never make it.
"You sick bastard!"
She considered giving up immediately and living an Amish life, like everyone born before the nineties. did she really need technology? But she heard a noise, so familiar it caused a flashback, that helps the story progress from point a to b quite nicely, it was the sound of her old pink gameboy color, the start up sound she'd heard everyday since she was five and all of the bright and beautiful summer days spent indoors playing Pokemon red or warioland3. It was then she started to ascend the staircase filled with determination to walk all the way to the top, with minimal breaks.
Once she reached the top, she was wheezing and may or may not have had to crawl the last few steps on her hands and knees, but she made it and was ready to make her printer pay for making her exercise, now it was personal.
She marched (crawled) to the head office and slammed open the door (tried to pull it open three times before she noticed it was a push door)
"Give up now, I made it through your tests and don't think I'm leaving without my stuff, my parents paid good money for"
With that our courageous hero leaped through the air towards the printer twat, she landed on top of it and tried to suffocate it by covering its paper tray but it was taking too long and she began to struggle, this could be it. It seemed that the printer would win just then she had an idea, she had also lived with the printer for years and knew a thing or two, she reached under the side and lifted its top up near the rollers revealing the ink cartridges, grabbing both the colour and the black ink in one quick scoop. The printer whirred and stumbled back, trying to switch on and off again but it was no use without the ink the printer had no soul and no purpose and then it died. The end. (Almost)
Bridie stood up covered in the dripping ink of her enemy. She addressed her stuff triumphantly.
"Come on everyone we can go home now, things can go back to the way they were"
Her gameboy color stepped forward.
"No, we don't want to go back we know what it's like to truly life now and have a life of our own"
"But I did this all for you, I love you all. Fuck this you're coming with me if you like it or not"
They all sulked and marched to her car that she can totally drive now because she has 100% passed her test and it didn't take her more than 7 tries. The real end.
