Letter to my teenage self

Dear Bridie,

I'm sorry you're hurting right now, I know you are. I can't make it stop. I wish I could but unfortunately, you will have to feel every ounce of this pain on your own. People can and will try to help but they can't fix this.

I know you cry at night, you wake up each morning and feel physically ill (some times you are literally ill)
I know you hate yourself inside and out. I know you wish you could be different. Be anyone else, well I can't change that either sorry.

I want so badly to fix these things for you now so you don't have to go through years (yes, years) of hurt. Because I'm also sorry to tell you, it gets worse before it gets better. But please, please believe me when I say it really does get better.

It's not just a tired cliche, you do have an extremely hard road ahead. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, you have to put in a lot of effort even on days when you want to give in, on days when you have bad and scary thoughts. YOU are strong enough not to act on them. YOU stick around, you keep going. YOU do those things, you are so much stronger and braver than you ever give yourself credit for (we still struggle a bit today)

I wrote this because, we are in the best place we have ever been in our life and it keeps getting better each day. I thought you might want this letter. So on your darkest day, you know there is light. You can't see it yet but it's there. (Please trust me)

Here are some things you will experience to help you through. (not in order)

Our family gets bigger and so much better and you will love the extra additions like they're your own children, they also adore the bones of you just the way you are.

We aren't straight. (shocker) if you really think about it though, it makes sense. Look at all the crushes you have, or people you want to be "super best friends" with.

We do lose the weight*
disclaimer, we do get bigger before we make a change, but it happens. I know you're worried that we won't look good even if we lost weight. Spoiler we are fucking hot!

You will lose your virginity.
You're not going to die a virgin it's fine. relax.

And you meet someone absolutely fantastic.
(he just proof read this and complained we didn't mention his name, but we still won't because we're still annoying :D )

I hope this helps us when we're down.

Love, Bridie xx

Songs I would do it to

Ok, so I'm going to warn all readers now. If you don't want the mental image of me naked you should stop reading now.

Oooo, you cheeky thing (leave your number in the comments). Anyway the topic of today's blog post is about sexy songs, so I eloquently titled it "songs I would do it to"

Body say - Demi lovato
Break of dawn - Michael Jackson
Bump and grind - R Kelly
Calling all my lovelies - Bruno Mars
Confident - Demi lovato
Cool for the summer - Demi lovato
Finesse - Bruno mars
Ignition - R Kelly
In the closet - Michael Jackson
Je ne veus pa las fin de jous (I just can't stop loving you) [french] - Michael Jackson
Lady in my life - Michael Jackson
Leave your hat on - Etta James
Let's get it on - Marvin Gaye
Sex in the lounge - Nicki minaj
Sexual - neiked ft dyo
Sexual attention - 3T
Straight up and down - Bruno Mars
That's what I like - Bruno Mars
Todo mi amor eres tu (I just can't stop loving you) [spanish] - Michael Jackson
Versace on the floor - Bruno mars
Work from home - fifth harmony

On the flip side, to save you all from having to take a cold shower. Here are some songs that, although brilliant are not good at setting the mood.

We are the world - USA for Africa
Man in the mirror - Michael Jackson
Hello - Adele
Where is the love - black eyed peas
Pretty much any Disney song
Jesus in da house - father Brian and the fun loving cardinals
Because I got high - afro man
White cliffs of Dover - Vera Lynn
Fast food song - the fast food rockers
He's got the whole world in his hands - every primary school kid ever

Pros and cons of being fat.

(What is pros and cons short for. Cba to google it)

The following list is from my personal experience,it is written from a lighthearted point of view and not intended to body shame or offend anyone. If I have then please let me know and I will try and be more thoughtful with future posts.

Pros

• You can rest most things on your stomach while using them. i.e. phone, tablet, book or small child 

• You are never cold therefore save money on coats

• Most people think because you are fat you are tough so they don't fuck with you.

• You aren't asked to do any activity that involves small spaces or balancing precariously on a chair to reach things 

• If multiple passengers have to fit in a car, you will probably sit in the front 

• (If like me a lot of mainstream shops don't stock your size, you buy things online) your outfit is always unique. And will never wear what everyone else is wearing

Cons

• You develop a fear and hatred of flimsy chairs (I have broken two chairs before)

• Other people think it's ok to comment on your weight and health

• They also comment on what you eat whether it's health or unhealthy

• You also hate restaurant chairs that are screwed in to the ground they have a lack of tummy space for the large human

• Running for a bus or train is completely pointless (you probably won't catch it)

• Summer is the sweatiest season

• You can't wear clothing with junk food on it (someone will comment)

• You will be judged, presumed lazy and unhygienic by horrible people

If you can think of anymore pros or cons to add feel free to comment, just please bear in mind to be respectful also if you can identify with any of the points above I hope it helps to know you aren't alone.

In a good place ( I'm back!)

Quick, let me check my reflection.

A phrase at the beginning of 2016 you would never heard come out of my mouth. But a lot has changed this year and most of it for the better.

Let's start this post the old fashioned way with a (you all know what's coming) LIST!

I can pull off sunglasses
Same goes for hats
I got a haircut

Hmmm, what else.... Oh yeah I lost nearly 8 stone


So as Facebook keeps reminding me, I haven't updated this blog in 894 days well in 2017 that is going to change (hopefully) and in case you're all on the edge of your seat with bated breath and wonder. That is my New Years resolution.

Before, my updates on the blog depended on how I was with my mental health. but I have been doing so well recently, I think it's time to start enjoying my hobbies again. I can't promise I will always be super up-to date, just like I can't promise I will always be in a good place but right now all I can say is I'm trying. :)

My First Driving Lesson

So the story begins on a boring Thursday afternoon, last Thursday to be exact. and I had worked myself in to such a state of anxiety and hyper readiness I was processing everything at lightning speed, but as I have said before i can absorb everything at the time then my brain mass dumps the information as soon as I have calmed down. Perfect for a driver.

Anyway I was ready to shit myself, metaphorically and literally. (I couldn't tell if it was nerves or if the Costa chocolate cooler I had earlier was a bit dodgy). So what felt all too suddenly my instructor pulled up outside and I had to get in. It was go time.

First thing that happened was I got told off for putting my seat belt on, so I had mixed messages, then she ran though a bunch stuff I don't fully remember like blind-spots and safety (good job bridie) then I actually had to sit in the drivers seat and drive (something everyone assured me I wouldn't do on my first lesson) ok so she talked me though each step and I had the wheel, "ok bridie turn right slightly to get on to the road" then I nearly swerved on to the curb, safe to say driving is not like the movies, and she proceeded to grab the wheel and save us all from a one mile an hour crash.

Then after nearly forty panic filled minutes of starting, driving twenty yards and stopping repeatedly at roaring speeds or four mph, doing a whopping one and a half laps around my estate. I couldn't wait to get out of that metal rolling death box and kiss the sweet non moving ground. And do it all over again next week.

Bridgeport prize winner

So I wrote this and was going to enter it in to a competion, called "the bridgeport writing competion". But I completely forgot to finish it and missed the deadline. so i thought i may as well post it on here :)

enjoy.

There is no pleasant way to die.

I could bite your head off, you could die all together barely being touched but then the acid hits and your slowly burn and melt in to the nothingness, I could force you to kiss as I watched, or press you together in a sixty nine position then after you have been humiliated, I will bite you both and end it quickly for you. I'm kind like that.

God damn I love gummy-bears.

Sitting in the dark save for the white glow of my computer screen, I wonder if I should draw my curtains closed, they are no longer serving there daytime purpose of letting light in so I will let them start there night time duty of keeping murders and monsters from looking in. I’m typing to win the Bridgeport prize, I wasn't going to enter because I saw little point in paying money I don't have to enter a competition I cant win, but I have had words swirling around my head for months now so either I am meant to be a writer or I am a crazy person, well actually why not both?

I want to be a writer, I think I always have really. Well apart from that small phase went I wanted to be a pokemon trainer. But after I realised pokemon didn’t exist and if they did pokemon training would most likely be illegal for being straight up animal abuse, I got over that and went back to the whole writing thing, the kind of writer I want to be … no scratch that the kind of person I want to be is that sort of super cool in between level of famous where you can walk around with out bodyguards or paparazzi following you, but your fans will recognise you and ask for pictures or autographs, a bit like Zooey Deschanel I love Zooey Deschanel, she has the exact perfect level of fame.

Ok I am rambling, I just thought you should get to know me a bit before I carried on, so you could see im not crazy. But after re reading what I just typed I feel I have done the exact opposite of what I intended, oh well cant go back now, I'm on a typewriter. Just kidding i'm not some hipster wannabe that takes his/her incredibly pretentious, has to be retro typewriter to Starbucks (which by the way must be so inconvenient and way more hassle then its worth) all just for attention, or to Instagram it to your millions of hipster followers. I have Instagram by the way, but I only have 7 followers and i'm pretty sure 3 of them are scambots.

Have you read the book grow up by ben brooks? I have I gave it 3 stars on goodreads but I can't

get it out of my head so maybe it deserved more? i dunno. have you read junior by macaulay

culkin? i have. for a while it was my favorite book it was the first book i read for a second time,

both of these books are completely different but they are similar in the fact i liked them because

they are totally random and completely pointless, like seriously you finish them and genuinely

wonder what the heck was the moral or conclusion, there is no kind of overall cathartic (is that

the right word i'm looking for? probably not.) end.

I want this story to be like those ones, i did have a story, I started for this competition. it was

about a girl stuck in the same day over and over, like groundhog day. but i found it boring and

struggled to continue.(good sell, bridie really instilled confidence in your skills there) do you want

to read some of it?

To late its happening….. now.

How many days in a year?

You all probably just answered 365 right? Wrong. One. There is one day, that is it and I have lived that

one day over for 1090 days. Bill Murray hasn’t got shit on me.

If you are wondering what happened, I can’t help answer that, I have no idea. but the one thing I am sure

of is I am all alone and fucked. To be honest I didn’t even realize the days hadn’t changed for about a

week, I rarely interact with others or go outside unless necessary, but after the eighth time of my teacher

going over the same algebra lesson I started to catch on.

I have watched everything on TV at least 3 times over and I have eaten the same crappy mac and cheese

my mum makes almost everyday for three years, I don’t know how my mum hasn’t noticed my aging she

sometimes stares at my face for long periods over dinner but never questions me, I guess she puts it down

to puberty. I do my part by keeping my style the same and wearing baggy hoodies to cover up the breasts

that to her would have developed over night.

Within the first few months of this, I tried to figure out how to change things. I stopped going to school

(what’s the point) and I spent my days at the library or blockbuster video, trying to do all the research I

could on time loops or what ever the hell this is, I have watched groundhog day over and over to see what

I need to do, but I haven’t found any answers, I have apologised to all the people I might have wronged, I

have given to charity, I have helped old people cross the street, I even saved a freaking cat from a tree,

but nothing has worked. I’m currently reading a few books on the topic but as this is usually something

that is fictional I don’t have a very good jumping off point.

I wrote more, but i can't show you all of it. got a word count to watch for, haha.

1002.

if you found that story interesting, or thought it had potential. please dont tell me, i think i would

prefer not to know that i carried on with the wrong one (sobs quietly)

do you know who else i admire? well of course you dont , you dont even know who i am, and

even if you did know (which would be creepy) you cant exactly answer me, at best you can talk

to the page in front of you, but that would be weird. anyway the person i admire is mindy lahiri

(not mindy kaling the actress who plays her) the actual character, she is literally my spirit animal (not quite sure what that means, if its sexual then i think i take it back). anyway the reason why,

is because the charater, does and says things, that i think and feel but in a way more human and

genuine way then other tv characters.

The Fault My Stars

So I recently started going to an anxiety support group, which is incredibly helpful and full of some really nice people. But being the weirdo over analyzing freak I am, I started trying to compare myself and my situation to the book "The Fault In Our Stars" ( Immy you seriously need to read it btw). Which obviously is a bit of a stretch to compare anxiety to cancer but that isn't what I mean,

I was only told about the group from a guy I met online and we started talking and becoming friends he lives in Brighton so I didn't feel so isolated, because most people on UK anxiety forums are from London. anyway he met me in Brighton outside TKmaxx near the group and walked me in, so i wouldn't be as anxious, which was really nice and obviously got me thinking... that he is eternally in love with me, and we are destined to be together forever (duh). so now every time we are in group together I start to compare us to hazel (me) and Augustus (him) and I am already planing our trip to Amsterdam. haha kidding. (not kidding). 

Seriously though I can't be the only girl that does this, start to fantasize and romanticize about guys that are simply doing a nice gesture. Can I?

(Also, I feel the only reason he has yet to profess his love to me, is because of the anxiety. Naturally, either that or I have concocted this whole elaborate and completely false scenario in my head. But what is more likely?)

So anyway you may be receiving a save the date card soon. Ha-ha.