Hidden secrets deep within

Ok, I thought this was a good time to tell you an awesome story that is along the same line as fifty shades of grey (I assume having never read it and I am also guessing that my story will out sell E. L. James and I will be a billionaire and be friends with Beyoncé), so this story is something I wrote in my first year of college with my friend Alex. It all started because we were helping my other friend Katie create cover art for the book she was writing at the time called Hidden secrets deep within. and then we saw someone on a computer opposite writing a story about a fairy. so we did what all good writers do and stole both the ideas and mashed them together and made a completely insane super awesome story of nonsensical cool pie, with a side of rainbow juice. (Rainbow juice sounds delicious)

 If you were in my acting class in college you might remember it but probably not, unless this story was a big poignant moment in your life if so thanks or maybe you should thank me either way this is it.

Hidden secrets deep within

There once was a fairy called Katie (in absolutely, positively no relation to Katie Reynolds at all… and we did not steal her title either). She lived in a very pretty cottage even though she was really ugly. She decided to marry her retarded cousin, whose name was Johnavitch the third. Johnavitch’s mother was Queen Elizabeth I. Johnavitch had a secret deep within, only a few amount of people knew. Johnavitch was born in the 18^th century no one knows exactly when, you see his secret deep within is that he is a VAMPIRE!!

So one day after Katie (again, not referring to Katie Reynolds) and Johnavitch had supper, Chinese boys dipped in tomato ketchup. Johnavitch bit Katie and she was pregnant … (yes that’s how it works!) seven years later, Katie the fairy gave birth to 676 children. The only boy who spawned from the ugly fairy and the vampire had homosexual tendencies. He was also a witch  :O

This witch was called peter he then killed the whole family, all 675 of his siblings and his parents because they all inherited the ugly gene from their mother. Also the children were ginger … EWW?!

THE END …

OR IS IT??

Temporary noodle blindness (its a real thing)

Whenever I have a big gap between entries, like before my last post I wish I had a good reason, I would like to be able to say I have been super busy hanging out with friends, or working hard and doing something with my life. But I haven’t I have been sleeping all day and watching horror movies at night, classic ones obviously. (Actually that sounds really bad) pretend you didn’t read that sentence and act like you just read up until the word life.

Anyway on a rare occasion outside, I ventured to Brighton with my sister. To see “seeking a friend for the end of the world” (it was ok. Spoiler alert the world ends and everyone dies) and after this movie we bought some noodles (the world’s best fucking food) I decided to eat mine in Brighton like a normal noodle loving human.

But my sister being the noodle saving freak she is she didn’t eat them and put them in the fridge when we got home (why?…. I mean seriously, why??) and warned everyone not to eat them  but as she warned me not to eat them, a sudden disorder came over me this particular condition is caused by a lack of noodles (although it can be caused by a lack of any food item that you find delicious) and this affliction I have named temporary noodle blindness

It is extremely serious; however the symptoms are relatively self-explanatory. the person lacking in this food substance they find delicious but are denied access too, is overcome with a sudden attack of blindness (or the blinddies) usually at its most serious when they are with close range of this item, but to help them overcome this they develop a keen survival sense and are able to locate and consume the item extremely quickly, and during this process the guilt gland or in laymen’s terms the  notgiveafuck gland in your body shrinks to one quarter its normal size due to the extreme deliciousness of eating the item you were craving. After you have eaten the item that caused your blindness miraculously you are cured.

So long story short I ate the noodles.

And my chosen sign out phrase this time is ….

Chow Mein (noodle related get it?)

The story of the salesman robot

In another attempt to clear out my room, I found loads of old doodles and stories I wrote (and by wrote I mean I convinced somebody else to write it down while I spewed out nonsensical strings of random thoughts that made a story) in school instead of learning (time well spent if you ask me) and this is a pretty good one called…

The story of the salesman robot

One day on Robot Island, there was a robot that was a salesman called salesman robot. He was the best salesman robot in all of Robot Island, but he didn’t want to be a salesman anymore. He wanted to be a superhero/king. So he became one, but after an hour or so he became bored of it, and decided to become an evil villain.

So he got himself an evil lair and a fluffy robot cat and a spinney chair. He practiced his evil laugh every day and found an arch enemy on the internet. He kidnapped the queen and his enemy came to save her, but the evil ex salesman robot blew up his arch enemy with dynamite and killed him and nobody else tried to save the queen so he stayed evil and lived out his days doing evil things and hanging out with his cat in his lair then many years later he died

The end

the real origin of gingers

So I have decided to finally tell you the ancient secret to the origin of gingers it and the amazing and noble tale so let’s begin

It all began many many millennia ago in 1982. That is the first known existence of a ginger child and this all came about due to many children being kidnapped by a crazy hypnotist known as the pied piper (this is the part of the fairytale they didnt want to tell you), who lures children away from their home. due to a long standing grudge with the adults about some kind of dispute with none payment for rat removal or some shit like that.

Anyway, the world was quickly running out of children even though everyone was doing their part (if you know what I mean). They had even outlawed condoms in some parts of the world, but it wasn’t enough children were disappearing too quickly, so many people (mostly crazy women) had tried to replace this longing for children with animals like cats but that’s just weird (especially when you call them your babies). so one day the government CIA and FBI and Jesus teamed up and called themselves the extreme super awesome gang bunch (catchy name if I do say so myself), and they organised a giant search party team to find the missing children.

And after almost 45 minutes they were found. in and old abandoned crisp factory but knowing that that pied piper would not give up the children easily, the extreme super awesome gang bunch had to devise a plan and it went something like this.

CIA: we need a really good plan, Jesus any ideas?

Jesus: well I dunno, I have a few loaves of bread and some fish if anyone is hungry.

CIA: GOD DAMN IT JESUS NOT NOW! Seriously stop can you drop it, you have been banging on about that party trick for 2000 years.

Jesus: oh don’t you dare drag my dad in to this, and what miracles have you performed lately CIA? What does that even stand for anyway?

CIA: you know what it stands for. You, know it hurts us when you always undermine us at every turn.

Jesus: yeah well you deserved it for making fun of me, I was just trying to provide a nice healthy lunch for you.

FBI: guys focus. The population of the earth depends on this mission and all you’re doing is bickering like a bunch of children.

Jesus: yeah well they started it.

CIA: did not.

Jesus: did so.

FBI: shut up! I have a plan, so just listen to me and grow up. What we should do is (whispers really quietly in a huddle).

CIA: oh I get it so we just have to … (switches back to whispering just to annoy you all)

FBI: so you all clear on what to do.

ALL: OK, THE EXTREME SUPER AWESOME GANG BUNCH GO!

So, they all worked together as a team and rescued all the children with a complex but highly plausible plan and everyone lived happily ever after.

And that is the origins of gingers………… wait that didn’t explain anything. Hang on let me add a quick couple of paragraphs explaining it all just a minute ….

Ok umm... so the extreme super awesome gang bunch had just freed almost all of the children, but just then the pied piper came to put a halt to this and stop the good guys from winning. (are they really the good guys though I mean all the pied piper wanted was what is fair sure he may have gone too far with the whole taking all the earths children but who hasn’t ). So the pied piper played a song to lead the remaining children back to him and as they were marching back up some old rusty staircase it broke. And all the children fell.

This broke the hold that Mr Piper had on them but unfortunately it also meant the children had landed on a crisp making machine. and in a highly coincidental series of events the machine had been turned on and was working perfectly fine, so due to this the children are on a conveyer belt edging closer to what looks like some giant oven but maybe not.

The extreme super awesome gang bunch raced to try and stop the conveyer belt, and Jesus floated the FBI up in the air so they could fly for no other reason than it looked cooler than regular running. As this was going on the CIA people snuck up behind the pied piper and broke his magic flute pipe thing. And that is the secret to all his powers so naturally he was defeated and melted and died. Just as the pied piper died the FBI stopped the conveyer belt but it was too late and all the children had gone in to the machine, then Jesus started crying because they hadn’t succeeded to save all the children and the extreme super awesome gang bunch just decided to go home and drink tea on a mountain

as they were walking away the children were coming out of the other end of the machine and they were alive it turns out it wasn’t and oven it was a colour adding machine…. did I mention this particular crisp factory was a Wotsit factory, so all the children that went through the machine were now ginger (because it only affected their hair for some reason) and although scientists tried all they could, it seemed irreversible and the colouring came with other problems like freckling and extreme pale skin prone to sun burn and the government just had to treat them like regular people and they eventually just bred and became integrated in to society.

The end J

if i die this list will be the life flashing before my eyes.

Just a quick entry today, entitled……………. dun da da dun

The list of films/TV shows I could watch over and over and never get bored (catchy title I know)

This list is in no particular order (except the order that I write it in obviously)

Films

1.       The Wiz

2.       Georgia rule

3.       Easy A

4.       The scream quadrilogy

5.       Home alone 1 and 2 (if it doesn’t have Macaulay Culkin it can actually fuck off yes I am talking to you home alone 3 and 4)

6.       Party monster

7.       Disney’s Hercules

8.       Mean girls (most quotable film in the world)

9.       Rocky horror picture show

10.   Why do fools fall in love?

11.   Why did I get married 1 and 2

TV shows

1.       Friends

2.       My name is earl

3.       How I met your mother

4.       Big bang theory

5.       Modern family

6.       Raising hope

7.       New girl

8.       Cougar town

9.       King of queens

10.   Scrubs

The end (super thrilling entry, I can tell you all care so much.)

Jenna Marbles 100th Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adQTmfXr_OQ&list=UU9gFih9rw0zNCK3ZtoKQQyA&index=1&feature=plcp

The story of Phillip Schofield and that box on the table on this morning (you know the one I'm talking about the wooden one with a union jack on).

The story of Phillip Schofield and that box on the table on this morning (you know the one I'm talking about the wooden one with a union jack on).

Let’s face it you are all dying to know what the hell is in that box, on the table on the TV show this morning. It drives you all crazy with the possibilities that it could be almost anything in there (or maybe I'm just projecting), but recently I was talking to Philip (he’s an old family friend from the time my dad did an emergency hair transplant operation) and he told me a tale about the contents of the box in question.

(Imagine a giant old timey story book opening and read by Philip)

Now it all began two weeks ago. I believe (I don’t really think that is enough time to get an old timey book published but whatever. by now I am used to Philip’s lies….. anyway) when I received a letter from a this morning viewer it started of sounding like an average fan letter, I love you and want your babies… blah, blah, blah but at the bottom of the page written in super cool calligraphy was

 What exists in the interior of the wooden chest?

(Roughly translated in your young person vernacular this means WTF’s in the box mate?) So this question got me thinking, back to the first day the box arrived it was………………….. One day when the set got redesigned for the new season. and I can still recall a conversation I overheard some of the tech people having how they found all the furniture on an ancient Indian burial ground, at the time I thought that was a bit unusual we usually just go to ikea or dress the interns up as a table making them believe that it is a stepping stone to fame (it’s not). after that I just went on about my day to day business not really giving it much more thought and a few weeks went by and I received another letter asking the same question .

What exists in the interior of the wooden chest?

I thought about writing back to the person but I didn’t have an answer. so I thought I will go in to work even earlier tomorrow and check it out, when nobody is around and again, I just got on with my day. And went home and went to bed. then I woke up super early and travelled in to work I thought before I look at the box I would just swing by my dressing room, when I got there I saw an envelope with no stamp or address just my name. when I opened it the letter all that was written XOB, I thought XOB what the hell is XOB. but then I held it up to the mirror and I read it BOX (dun dun dun some real shining shit right there. it was also written in blood I forgot to mention that before), it was right then I marched out of my dressing room and straight over to the box and opened up.

Inside that box was something that is beyond describable words, it was a unimaginable colours that aren’t even on the spectrum. a bunch of words floating about (really long cool ones and a few compliments) and singing so pure your ears would fall off and melt in to a puddle on the floor. Because they knew nothing else would be that good, so they could die happy (which is the lifelong dream of ears btw). then I was being drawn in to the box closer and closer and then I was sucked in to the box and something had changed, I had an uneasy feeling and everything was all mean and spikey and looked like it had all been on fire at some point. I had clearly been tricked and all the sweet things I saw and heard was just to lure me in.

I didn’t have time to look around because just then I saw a group of mini Lorraine’s come out from behind some trees and kidnapped me. and took me to their lair which was a giant hole in a tree that was connected to a bunch of underground tunnels. They put me down in front of their leader which looked like just the regular Lorraine but she was speaking in some kind of crazy language I couldn’t understand I think it was Scottish. and from what I could gather she was asking me to find a book of ancient spells and gave me a map that looked eerily similar to the London underground map and just as I looked up from the map they were gone and I was standing at the entrance of the tree.

As I was walking aimlessly around this crazy new box world. I came across a brightly coloured stone path that resembled but is legally distinct from a brick road that saw in film, that I probably shouldn’t mention for fear of being sued *cough Wizard of Oz cough*. as I walked this path I felt like bursting in to song and dance but I didn’t because this isn’t a musical.after a while I got tired and looked for a place to sit down, just then I saw a table with some guy with a crazy hat drinking tea with a rabbit so decided to steer clear of them and keep walking because they were clearly on drugs.

Then I looked at the map to see if I was at least heading in the right direction, I was looking in my bag that I now have for some reason. But I couldn’t find it suddenly an old lady in a black cloak was standing above me and offered me an apple. I decided to take it because she seemed pretty insistent, I don’t know why and I was quite hungry. but as I took a bite I choked and died and was buried in a glass coffin carried by a really strong short schizophrenic man…

Just then I woke up in my makeup chair, realizing that the whole thing was a dream. And it was that day that I to stop drinking while watching a classic movie marathon as I went to go and start work I saw a letter addressed to me from a school of wizardry …….

To be continued……