Bad Day

I wrote this last night and posted it on tumblr, I have been struggling badly with my anxiety again for a few days and I have been over thinking as a result.

The following post is not in anyway a suicidal post, it is just a bad couple of days put in to words. hopefully I can post this up and move on and start getting better again. 

I’m feeling really low right now.

I keep thinking about college, and how i messed up my final show by not going because of my depression and anxiety, i feel like because no one knew what was going on they were probably all bitching about me and that’s the last impression i had on them.

i also feel like i don’t matter to anyone outside of my family, i have made loads of friends over the years in school and college, but as soon as that stage is over they don’t talk to me. i’m not in contact with anyone i considered a friend except one girl (but even that is very rare).

i have tried a few times to meet up with people, but no one makes an effort for me and i always feel i’m trying to hard and having a friend should be this difficult so i give up hoping they might try, but no one does.

i just feel like no one cares.

i know this sounds stupid, but it hurts a little when i set up an ask account and literally no one bothered, and its the same with tumblr no one asks anything, it feels like no one thinks about me, i didn’t make an impression on anyone ever.

like seriously no one ever am i just forget-able? am i doing something wrong?

i know in the past, because of my anxiety i created this persona. where i was always saying and doing stupid things, it was to get people to think i was funny and then if they didn’t like me it didn’t hurt as much because i knew it wasn’t the real me but now, no one knows the real me and i hate myself and my anxiety for the persona.

i just thought in college (and school) i had friends, but thinking back now especially during my depression last year when no one even asked me if i was ok. it hurts.

i think a lot about people in my college (maybe i shouldn’t bother now) and i’m just upset knowing i could have easily not been there and lifted right out and it would have made no difference.  

Black Eyes (Final Part)

After a few hours sitting and dwelling on the bathroom incident, I went in to town to get some new clothes and get to know my surroundings I drove out of the cul de sac and down the road for a few minutes then I saw a girl about my age walk and open up a shop, so I parked the car and called after her "hey wait!" she seemed startled and ran inside the store, I followed her and stepped inside the shop, "hey I was calling you." "oh I didn't hear you", whoever this girl was she was an awful liar, "I just wanted to ask you about the town, I just moved here with my mum and wondered, what there is to do in this town?" the girl seemed somewhat at ease by my question, as if she had expected the worst and just dodged a bullet. Then she started to umm and ahh trying to busy herself behind the counter. I wanted to know why this girl was being so strange to someone she didn't know, I certainly hadn't given her reason to be, it was just then I realized she still hadn't answered, so at that point I decided to change the subject "so do you have any shoes in this shop" “oh yeah we have a big range of shoes.

I took a look round the shop, it was one of those stores that made you wonder how it manages to stay in business, it was filled with random outdated electronics and clothes that your grandmother might wear, I found a pair of shoes that I didn’t hate and pretended to show interest in them “do you have these in any other size?” not really bothered by her answer, “oh yeah we have loads out back, what size are you?” “uh a size 13” “wow a 13 I'm not sure if we go up that high in women’s shoes I will have to go out and take a look” “oh you know what I'm not really sure on them anyway so don’t go to any trouble” “ are you sure? Because I can look if you want it’s no trouble.”  “No really I think I’ll leave it” I rushed out of there so I would be stuck buying some shoes I would never wear; I just did it to get the girl to stop acting so strange.

The next few weeks at the house went by without incident, and then one night I was woken up by the sound of someone pounding on the front door, I got out of bed and ran down the stairs, through the hall and got to the door. I froze what if it was them, the boys with the black eyes. I didn’t know what to do. “Who is it?” my mum asked standing at the top of the stairs, just her being there put me at ease somewhat. “I dunno, should I open the door. They sound mad” I felt like a child at that moment and I wanted my mum to just take over the situation. “Oh move out the way, let me see” she pushed me aside and peered through the peep hole “its, your father. What do you want!” she shouted though the door. I wasn’t happy that my dad was here in the middle of the night, don’t get me wrong. I was so relieved that it was not those kids. “Just let me in, I need to talk.” He slurred “go home Eric, your drunk, and I have nothing to say to you”  “pl- pleassse jusst open the door”, “no Eric leave us alone” “oh Amanda, are you there, pleasse tal- hic- talk to your mum, Amanda, Amanda? Let me in” I stayed quiet and just stared at the door not knowing what to do or say. “She doesn’t want to talk to you Eric”. I did want to talk but I had nothing to say “fine you stupid cow; you twisted her against me, my own daughter. But you can’t keep that door closed forever!”

Everything went silent “I think he is leaving” I said so quietly it was almost silent. “No he isn’t leaving, HE THINKS IF HE IS QUIET THEN I WILL OPEN THE DOOR. BUT I’M NOT AN IDIOT ERIC, DO YOU HEAR? I'M NOT OPENING THAT DOOR.”  The lights when out. That sneaky little, He must have messed with the fuse box, Amanda go down to the basement and flick the switch on the fuse box. I need to get my phone so I call the police before this gets out of hand”. I didn’t want to go I hated the dark and the basement is the most clichéd no go area in the house to go in a situation like this, but I knew my mum was in no mood to hear me argue so I just started stumbling around the house trying to find my way from the front door to the back of the house and down to the basement after a minute or two of groping the walls to find the basement I got to the door, as I open the door I take a deep breath and try not to let my fears creep in.

I walk down the stairs and after bumping in to practically every item in the basement I found the fuse box and just starting flicking switches and pressing things at random hoping something would work. It did. The lights came on and the light from upstairs dimly lit the basement just enough for me to see my way out. I walked out of the basement somewhat surprised that there wasn’t an axe murderer ready to chop me up downstairs. The lights went out again. “Amanda I said fix the lights I'm still looking for my phone, the landline isn’t working” my mum called from the other room, but I was too tired to answer so I just walked back downstairs feeling more annoyed by this situation than anything else, I had roughly memorised the way to the fuse box so it was no problem getting the lights back on the second time. As I walked back up the stairs a second time I stumbled on something and as I lifted my foot I saw it was a small disposable lighter, I decided to pick it up and flicked the wheel, it Worked, I decided to keep it with me I thought it might come in handy the next time I have to do this. I wondered why we had a lighter in the house neither me nor my mum smoked and I don’t think before this either of us had been in the basement.

I went upstairs again walked in to the living room and found my mum sitting on the sofa just staring blankly, at first I assume it was just her anger and tiredness had finally got the better of her, just then I notice her phone in her hand “oh you found your phone then, where was it?” just as I say this I noticed the conversation time on the screen was still counting she hadn’t hung up. “mum you need to disconnect the call… mum?” she wasn’t responding or even moving so I took the phone out of her hand and pressed it against my ear, it was her voicemail. “To hear the message again please press the hash key” I press the button not knowing what to expect, “hi Mrs Mccallister this is Officer Brown from the local police department we wouldn’t usually do this over the phone but we have no current address for you  I am extremely sorry to have to inform you but your husband has been found dead in his home, and I have been informed by the people at the scene his body had gone unnoticed for at least three days and it looks like alcohol had something to do with it but at this stage we can’t say for certain, if you could please come down to the HQ  and I could talk to you further.” He was dead. My dad was dead. The phone slipped from my hand and slowly hit the floor. I looked at my mum. But she was gone she wasn’t in the room; I didn’t even see her leave. The lights went out. I reached in my pocket to get the lighter. Click. I flicked the lighter on. “Mum, mum where are you?” I got no response. Just then I heard the door slam shut. I ran to it and tried to pull it open but I couldn’t. “Mum…I can’t open the door” The lighters flame was going dim so I let go of the button. Click. I heard some movement in the corner I flicked the lighter on, Off, On, off something was there in the room with me I was trapped.

On. I could hear it
Off. It brushed my shoulder
On. It was running
Off. Silence
On… on … on
No gas

I fumbled in the dark desperately trying to click the lighter back on. I dropped it. And tried to run I couldn’t find the doors, desperately I felt the walls hoping for something anything…
The next thing I know I wake up in a field in the middle of nowhere I feel exhausted and I don’t have any shoes, but I just start walking hoping to find someone to get my bearings and some help, I walk for what felt like hours and the sun hurt my eyes, even looking down they felt like they were burning in my head, just then I see a small house and walk up to the door.


 Knock, knock
“Hello I need to come in”.

The End.

Black Eyes (Part Two)

After a few days we began to settle in to the house quite nicely and were doing quite well, Mum asked me to wait in for the telephone engineer, we needed a new a phone line, weirdly my nans had been ripped out, but the guy was coming out to fix it. I heard a small tapping at the door and rushed to let the guy in, I swung the door open. Two small boys were standing on the porch, you’re not here to fix my phone line I asked, thinking to myself their probably looking for money for some charity, They Both stared at  the ground, I Raised my voice, “hello, are you ok?” The children couldn’t have been more than ten; I asked again louder “hello, are you ok?” “We need to come in” the nearest boy whispered, I looked him up and down he had pale almost transparent skin, His clothes looked like he had grown into them or weirdly I thought Grown out of them he wore a tight dirty red hoody, it was so tattered I looked away as not to embarrass him which made me notice his bare feet, they didn’t look like children’s feet they were much bigger than normal for a boy. I quickly glanced at his friend; He was identical in everything except his toes were weirdly abnormally longer.

 A feeling of fear descended slowly through my body, I struggled to speak “uh... Uh. Why?”  I managed to choke out. The smaller second boy started to step forward; I reached for the door handle. The older first boy shot him a look, and he stopped. “We need to use your phone” they said in unison, as if it was rehearsed. I wanted them off the property, I wanted to slam the door, I wanted to get out of this situation. But I was frozen by my fear, I just stood there, in my head I was thinking that this was completely irrational they were just children, needing to use the phone, they had done nothing to make me feel the way I did, every instinct I had screamed inside me that something wasn’t right, Where was Mum when I needed her? or even the Phone guy would be a welcome stranger right now. I prayed inside my head for someone to appear and get rid of them, “it doesn’t work” I barely managed to get the words out of my mouth. “Let us in” the second one said sounding a little insistent “we need to use your phone” “it doesn’t work” I said again this time with a little more authority. “LET US IN!” the first one shouted. “NO!” I screamed back, and slammed the door in their face making sure to lock it behind me. I stood against the door, my heart pounding; I breathed heavily almost gasping for breath, as if I hadn’t been able to breath for some time.

After a minute I had calmed down and had a chance to rationalize the situation, it was just some rude kids I thought, I stepped away from the door and peered through the curtain to see if they had gone. They weren’t there, I walked over to look through the peep hole in the door just to reassure myself, but all I could see was black I assumed the peep hole had some dirt on or inside the lens and wiped it and looked through it again, nothing still black. It blinked. It was an eye. A soul penetrating black eye. not just a pupil but the whole thing, iris, sclera, all black. They were still there, but how, I looked through the window barely twenty seconds ago. And there wasn’t a person in sight. I was panicking I didn’t know what to do I felt trapped was it the boys from before, or something else?

Knock. Knock. Oh god it is, it’s the kids from before they want to come in I can feel it, against all my better instincts I called out “who is it?” a young man’s voice called back, “ it’s me miss Mccallister, the  telephone engineer from Konectionz phone company, I'm here to repair your phone lines” “uh…ok I will be there in a second” I was too terrified to move let alone open that door again, “oh don’t worry miss, the door is open if you don’t mind I can let myself in”  that door was locked I would put my life on it, I know that door was locked. “uh yeah sure come on in” I hoped that he couldn’t open the door, but as he stepped in my stomach dropped and I felt dizzy and nauseas I knew somehow they had unlocked that door, I know it was crazy but I felt it had to be true, how else would that door have unlocked.

I tried to calm down and not seem crazy in front of the phone guy, “so where is the phone?” he asked as he walked in. I pointed him in the direction of the living room; he was quite tall, probably 20s early 30s. But his face looked much younger, he had an olive complexion and a buzz cut his eyes which I took particular notice of in light of recent events, were a pleasant blue green. Still feeling drained. I decided to follow him; I was too freaked out to be alone, even if I didn’t know this guy. I stood in the doorway of the living room watching him work and after a few unbelievably awkward minutes, I said “did you see any kids outside?” “Uh kids?” “Yeah kids outside my house”, “no I don’t think so, why?” “Are you sure?” “Yeah I'm sure, why?” I'm not sure if that was a good or bad thing that he didn’t see the kids, it either meant I'm crazy or that something freaky is going on. I just realized that the phone guy was still looking at me waiting for an answer. “uh well I have had some kids coming to the house asking,  actually it doesn’t matter”  “well miss Mccallister I think I have fixed the wiring problem, do you have mobile that you could use to test the line?” “n-no it’s dead I’m sorry” “ah no problem I think I left mine in my van I will go get it and test your line” “WAIT!” I almost shouted, I didn’t want him to go, but at the same time I didn’t want to go with him. And I needed a working phone. “What?” he said looking concerned “oh I though you... Uh might want a cup of tea, did you?” I didn’t want to tell him the real reason I didn’t think he should go out there. “Uh yeah that would be great thanks. I will have it just after I check your connection, won’t be a second” I followed him to the front door and watched him step out the house and walk to his van, don’t know what I expected to happen or how watching him would help, but it made me feel better, as he turned to come back I suddenly remembered my offer of tea that I was supposed to me making while he was gone I quickly turned and went to the kitchen, this way it didn’t look like I was staring at him. He went back in to the living room.


BRRRIIING, BRRRIIING. “Yep it’s working” he called “well thanks for that as you can see we just moved here and a phone is kind of a necessity for us” I was making mindless small talk as I walked in the room with his tea. We sat down and continued our small talk awkwardly until he finished his tea, his name was Kevin, I don’t remember much else of what he said, to be honest I wasn’t listening, then I kind of hurried him out of the house I just wanted to be alone and get today over with as soon as possible. I fell asleep a few hours later while waiting for my mum to come home.

 I woke up on the sofa  in the early hours of the morning clearly my mum didn’t want to disturb me but she had laid a blanket over me, I got up and folded the blanket and sleepily started walked to my room. The windows I realised still have no curtains which usually doesn’t bother me, but at night with bare windows I felt unprotected whatever was out there somehow could see my every movement, I try to overcome my feelings, maybe it’s because of over exposure to too many horror films from a young age, that’s it I am responding to unrealistic fears I tell myself in disbelief. My mind battles between Imagination and rationalisation I try not to allow it to go that far ahead, I didn’t really like to, but I had to pass the windows so I quickly ran across the room with my head hanging down I didn’t want to take the chance at glimpsing anything.

I went upstairs, I decided to take a shower and clear my head, I stepped in the bath and just stood there letting the water hit my face, I tried to reach out the shower and turn on the radio I brushed the dial and switched it on “HELLO TO OUR LISTENERS IF YOU’RE JUST TUNING IN WE HAVE JUST BEEN TALKING TO MR SHARP WHO HAS RECENTLY WRITTEN A BOOK ON – I tuned in to a different station, “ ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP,UP IN THE CLUB, WE JUST BROKE UP, I'M DOING MY OWN LITTLE THING”  I reached my arm back in and started to do my best Beyoncé impression in the shower and finally started to relax and let go of all the burdens of the past few days, I guess that’s just how good Beyoncé is. “HELLO TO OUR LISTENERS IF YOU’RE JUST TUNING IN WE HAVE JUST BEEN TALKING TO MR SHARP WHO HAS RECENTLY WRITTEN A BOOK ON PARANORMAL ACTIVITY”  what the? The station changed. How? I reached out the shower again and turned the radio dial and switched it back “I GOT GLOSS ON MY LIPS, A MAN ON MY HIPS GOT ME TIGHTER IN MY DEREON JEANS” ahh much better, I start to sing along then it switches again. HELLO TO OUR LISTENERS AND MISS MCCALLISTER, IF YOU’RE JUST TUNING IN WE HAVE JUST BEEN TALKING TO MR SHARP WHO HAS RECENTLY WRITTEN A BOOK ON PARANORMAL ACTIVITY”  what! Did they just say my name? No they couldn’t have, I must be imagining it right? “MISS MCCALLISTER PLEASE DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL AGAIN” ok I definitely heard it that time what the hell is going on, they can’t be talking to me; my name isn’t that common it has to be explainable somehow. The radio continued to talk and interview, but I couldn’t take any of it in I was so freaked out.  I reach out to switch it again, I touch the dial. “MISS MCCALLISTER DON’T TOUCH THE DIAL” I whipped my hand back in as quickly as I could, I was afraid to move I just stood listening. “SO MR SHARP COULD YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN YOUR BOOK FOR OUR LISTENER?” “YES OF COURSE WELL BASICALLY IT FOCUSES AROUND THE PHENOMENA OF BLACK EYED CHILDREN, IT EXPLAINS THE HISTORY OF THEM, THE FOLKLORE AND EVEN INCLUDES FIRST HAND ACCOUNTS OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD AN ENCOUNTER WITH SUCH BEINGS” that’s all I could take my adrenaline was rushing through my body I jumped out the shower and grabbed the radio with both hands and threw it on the floor smashing it to pieces on the bathroom tiles.

I ran out of the room and locked the door behind me from the outside. I hate this house. I got dressed and went downstairs, my mum was in the kitchen eating breakfast, “mum have you noticed anything weird going on since we got here?” “What do you mean weird?” “Well like yesterday some strange kids came to the house, and it kind of freaked me out” “I haven’t seen any kids around, what freaked you out?” “oh never mind it was probably me just being a bit paranoid” I started to walk out of the kitchen “ oh yeah sorry I think I broke the radio” my mum shouted back “don’t worry it might just need new batteries”.

Ghost Story Competition Entry (Part One)

So a few months ago I entered a ghost story writing competition, and now I found out I didn't win (didn't even come close) I am allowed to post it online for you all to see and this is it, I will be posting it in parts because its pretty long and with all the possibilities on the internet and needing to check twitter every 5 minutes I know your focus is pretty small.


Black Eyes (Part One)

Moving to a new house is never quite like you would expect. it’s not like in the movies where you sit in the car and look out the window with a meaningful glance to all your friends who have taken the time to see you off, and that look on your face just kind of says it all and sums up your friendship perfectly.
Well sadly my life is not a classic eighties movie and my goodbye did not have perfect musical accompaniment and a guy who appears at the last minute running up and saying he loves me and pleading with me not to go because we are soul mates and meant for each other, then by some perfect twist of fate it turns out I don’t have to leave and we live happily ever after. Roll credits.
No, that is not my life.
So if that is the sort of thing you were hoping for then I suggest you stop reading right now, get on your computer and buy all John Hughes movies you can from amazon and leave this story behind.
Well there was no classic ending to my story, I left my house in the middle of the night, my mum came in my room to wake me up, although I wasn’t really sleeping, after another night of my dad knocking her from room to room in a drunken rage she had told me she finally had enough, I was strangely laid back about the whole situation maybe the walls I had built as a child were still up and protecting me just like they always had, or maybe I didn’t believe  my mother would really do it and we would just drive a down a couple streets and sleep in the car, I don’t know and the heartless protective walls around my emotions wouldn’t let me care.
As my mother threw our cases in the boot of the car I walked around my side of  the car to get in just as my dad stumbled out of the front door and down the path, I could see neighbours curtains twitch and a few stepped out to see our circus act. Ladies and gentleman feast your eyes on the suburban domestic abuse double act.
My dad started shouting “YOU’LL NEVER FIND ANYONE, WHO WOULD WANT YOU. YOU’RE NOTHING; YOU’D BE NOTHING WITHOUT ME!”  more neighbours started to step out on their porches just out of some kind of morbid curiosity, help didn't exist on our street nobody took a step further, I can’t say I blame them I wouldn't want to jump in to this mess, I got in the car and shut the door I didn't want to hear anymore, I didn't want anything in that moment except to be anyone else but me. After some more shouting back and forth that I couldn't quite make out as thankfully the old car muffled the sounds of the screaming, I had heard it all before I recited this argument in my head like a familiar old song  I knew so well, my mum eventually climbed in the car and started to drive. We drove in silence for about an hour when we had some distance between us and what used to be our life, I shivered inside as I looked over at my mother’s face it was covered in bruises, a fresh one across the bridge of her nose was cut and bleeding heavily on one side and was dripping down her cheek and on to her shirt.
I wanted to say something supportive or caring, anything that a daughter should say in a situation like this but all I could say was "that's going to stain your shirt" as soon as I said it I wish I had just stayed silent. She didn't respond, who would respond to that anyway, I'm glad she didn't dignify that with a response. I decided that it would be best to just shut up for the rest of the journey, but apparently my mouth had other plans, "where are we going?" I said like my mouth had no filter and at this point I started to hate myself, again not expecting a response, so I was a bit taken aback when my mother slowly replied, "our new home"  her answer only raised more questions, but this time with a protective and concerned filter, I decided not to ask.
 I drifted off to sleep, the journey and exhaustion overcame my curiosity, when I woke Mum was parking the car in front of a huge house, then I knew where we were, it was my nan's old house, I hadn't been here in years, my nan stopped talking to my mother after the last time my parents got back together, she knew he was no good and eventually said make your choice , him or me, probably thinking my mum would make the smart choice and pick the woman who brought her in to this world. But when my mother chose him again then my Nan washed her hands of the whole situation and told her not to come back.  Mother’s bad decision somehow began nan's decline and the heartbreak of watching another human being choosing abuse over love was a rejection to far for her, she died  in this house we were outside alone and lonely a shadow of the  proud woman she once was.
As I walked to the front door the house seemed much smaller then I remembered, as I stepped inside I felt the cold emotional memories of the betrayal of nan's wisdom and how life would have been so different if we had never left. The interior matched the feelings, no pictures, no lived in homely feel, Just dingy white walls all throughout the house, as I walked down the hall I went in each room, nothing unusual just a couple bedrooms, a bathroom and some cupboards. Everywhere I looked in the house was in desperate need of fixing up and modernizing but nowhere close to un-livable, so I guess that if we were staying here then we had our work cut out for us.