Bad Day

I wrote this last night and posted it on tumblr, I have been struggling badly with my anxiety again for a few days and I have been over thinking as a result.

The following post is not in anyway a suicidal post, it is just a bad couple of days put in to words. hopefully I can post this up and move on and start getting better again. 

I’m feeling really low right now.

I keep thinking about college, and how i messed up my final show by not going because of my depression and anxiety, i feel like because no one knew what was going on they were probably all bitching about me and that’s the last impression i had on them.

i also feel like i don’t matter to anyone outside of my family, i have made loads of friends over the years in school and college, but as soon as that stage is over they don’t talk to me. i’m not in contact with anyone i considered a friend except one girl (but even that is very rare).

i have tried a few times to meet up with people, but no one makes an effort for me and i always feel i’m trying to hard and having a friend should be this difficult so i give up hoping they might try, but no one does.

i just feel like no one cares.

i know this sounds stupid, but it hurts a little when i set up an ask account and literally no one bothered, and its the same with tumblr no one asks anything, it feels like no one thinks about me, i didn’t make an impression on anyone ever.

like seriously no one ever am i just forget-able? am i doing something wrong?

i know in the past, because of my anxiety i created this persona. where i was always saying and doing stupid things, it was to get people to think i was funny and then if they didn’t like me it didn’t hurt as much because i knew it wasn’t the real me but now, no one knows the real me and i hate myself and my anxiety for the persona.

i just thought in college (and school) i had friends, but thinking back now especially during my depression last year when no one even asked me if i was ok. it hurts.

i think a lot about people in my college (maybe i shouldn’t bother now) and i’m just upset knowing i could have easily not been there and lifted right out and it would have made no difference.