Stream of consciousness.

Stream of consciousness.

Starting mid thought.

 Mid sentence, confusing myself and others.

 I find my thoughts hard to explain, easier felt.

 I struggle, everyone does with letting their true thoughts and feelings out of their head, whether it’s on paper or verbally.

I like writing.

I hate writing.

Its the most satisfying and frustrating thing I do.

Try to do.

I have a million half started stories that have died before they grew in to what I dreamed.

I’ve given up and started again

And started again

And started again.

So many times I don’t know if I’ll ever finish.

The end.

Open mindedness

I consider myself quite an open minded person, I accept most people (except the bloody tories) and don't judge them based on anything other then how they treat the people around them.

But I have a new found respect for people that have previously had a closed mind. I mean people that all their lives have been, homophobic, racist or sexist. then for one reason or another they better themselves whether it's due to a new addition to the family or a friend that has come out, instead of cutting them out of their lives or being hurtful, they try to change a view they've had for a long time.

It might take them a while, in the moment they might say the wrong thing or react badly. They might not always get it right and they might still struggle with acceptance but they're fighting with thoughts and ideals they've held for however long, they haven't always seen these things as ok in their eyes they are trying to process new information and learning, seeing communities they've never let themselves see before and I can't imagine how hard it must be to change but I respect the people that are trying and don't hold it against them for the thoughts and mistakes they made before.

The tale of the printer that was always an a hole then suddenly came to life and was and even bigger asshat then normal.

The tale of the printer that was always an a hole then suddenly came to life and was and even bigger asshat then normal.

So. one fine evening our sexy protagonist (let's call her Bridie) needed to print something, usually this was a task she dreaded, because her stupid fucking printer is always a piece of shit that never prints anything without at least an hour of "being offline" even though it's clearly online, varied verbal abuse and ocassonally hitting it and not so secretly hoping that it's not just the toys in toy story that can feel pain.

Sorry slight deviation from the story.

Anyway this night was no different in the fact that, this was a task she dreaded because her stupid fucking printer is always a piece of shit that never prints anything without at least an hour of "being offline" even though it's clearly online, varied verbal abuse and ocassonally hitting it and not so secretly hoping that it's not just the toys in toy story that can feel pain. Sorry again, last time I swear.... So as she booted up her printer and readied herself for the new onslaught of swears she could unleash, her printer had finally had enough.

The usual green light started to turn red then the rollers inside were whirring and before she had time to implement her cat like reflexes, the printer had leapt from the desk and slapped Bridie in the face with the flap from the attached scanner. now as you may or may not know our protagonist is extremely sarcastic and instead of running from the suddenly living and clearly pissed off printer. She proceeds to mock the fact that "out of all the potential cool and dangerous moves you could have used why did you think a slap was the best choice? I mean really the scanner flap isn't even heavy it didn't really hurt, like yeah it was shocking but really?"

The printer now on the floor at bridie's feet seemed to ponder this for a second then just got angrier (obviously) it began to cackle and screech. paper from its paper tray was flying all around the room (imagine that bit in Harry Potter with the Hogwarts acceptance letters but kind of menacing) the printer shouted "rise with me!" Bridie turned. Her TVs was on and joined in with the menacing laugh. "Why would you join forces with him" Bridie shouted over-dramatically "I've always loved you the most, how could you?" The tv didn't reply. which if you think about it is kind of odd, like why would the printer talk, but a tv that has speakers and could actually make sound,  not choose this moment to respond. It's almost like the person who wrote this is putting very little effort in to dealing with inconsistencies.

Bridie, still sort of under-reacting at this point to the danger in the room hadn't left. maybe because she couldn't process the craziness unfolding before her, or maybe it's because deep down she knew if it came to it she could win in a fight against a printer,and her tv is screwed in to the wall so it's not really a threat. what ever it was that kept Bridie in that room we'll never know. soon she saw more and more of her electronics turn to life and make their way out of her room and towards the front door.

As soon as all the electronic devices left, Bridie sighed with relief and turned to get in bed and watch Netflix, it was then she started to understand the gravity of the situation. No electronics = no Netflix (cue twilight theme).

Shit was serious now, how else was she supposed to waste her valuable time, talk to family members or read a book made from trees like some kind of barbarian? No. Never. She needed to overthrow the printer overload and get her stuff back it was the only logical option in this absolutely batshit crazy (100% true) story.

She knew that the printer would have to be somewhere dry with a lot of plug sockets for his minions, so the only place that they could be hiding was the old extension cord factory conveniently located just outside of town, she walked there pretty quickly although silently because he ipod had betrayed her too.

Once she arrived at the door to the factory, she noticed it was being guarded by two old battery operated robot dogs. Having been an extremely lucky child she had one of these dogs growing up and started to devise a plan to distract them.

Step one: walk straight up to the door
Step two: stamp really hard on the plastic puppies heads.
Done.

She was in, that was a close one. Was then a giant monitor switched on suddenly and she saw the printer's face? Do printers have faces? Any way

"Well you're here earlier than expected, I'm impressed Bridie. But you won't get any further you see I have lived with you for years, I know all your weaknesses"

"What do you mean?" She shouted at the monitor not sure if she would be heard

"Why do you think i picked this spot as my headquarters?"

"Well it's an extension cord factory and your all electronic stuff so it was pretty obvious tbh"

"Correct. But no. The other reason is I, and all your stuff is on the second floor"

"You mean?"

"Exactly, you have to walk up a flight of stairs. HAHAHAHAHAHA! You'll never make it.

"You sick bastard!"

She considered giving up immediately and living an Amish life, like everyone born before the nineties. did she really need technology? But she heard a noise, so familiar it caused a flashback, that helps the story progress from point a to b quite nicely, it was the sound of her old pink gameboy color, the start up sound she'd heard everyday since she was five and all of the bright and beautiful summer days spent indoors playing Pokemon red or warioland3. It was then she started to ascend the staircase filled with determination to walk all the way to the top, with minimal breaks.

Once she reached the top, she was wheezing and may or may not have had to crawl the last few steps on her hands and knees, but she made it and was ready to make her printer pay for making her exercise, now it was personal.

She marched (crawled) to the head office and slammed open the door (tried to pull it open three times before she noticed it was a push door)

"Give up now, I made it through your tests and don't think I'm leaving without my stuff, my parents paid good money for"

With that our courageous hero leaped through the air towards the printer twat, she landed on top of it and tried to suffocate it by covering its paper tray but it was taking too long and she began to struggle, this could be it. It seemed that the printer would win just then she had an idea, she had also lived with the printer for years and knew a thing or two, she reached under the side and lifted its top up near the rollers revealing the ink cartridges, grabbing both the colour and the black ink in one quick scoop. The printer whirred and stumbled back, trying to switch on and off again but it was no use without the ink the printer had no soul and no purpose and then it died. The end. (Almost)

Bridie stood up covered in the dripping ink of her enemy. She addressed her stuff triumphantly.

"Come on everyone we can go home now, things can go back to the way they were"

Her gameboy color stepped forward.

"No, we don't want to go back we know what it's like to truly life now and have a life of our own"

"But I did this all for you, I love you all. Fuck this you're coming with me if you like it or not"

They all sulked and marched to her car that she can totally drive now because she has 100% passed her test and it didn't take her more than 7 tries. The real end.

Self care

Do you ever feel yourself getting bad again?

Old habits and coping mechanisms creeping back in?

I think I’m slipping a little, not much. But I’m finding I’m having more bad days then I’ve had in a while. I'm panicking again about things I thought I’d managed to overcome.

 I’m aware that mental health isn’t like a qualification and once you’re in a good place, that’s it and you never have to struggle again. But I can’t help but feel frustrated at myself for slipping.

 I’m eating junk again knowing how hard it was to lose all this weight. (Even as I write this I’m taking a bite of a reduced Easter egg) getting out of bed feel harder again, I’m napping more and not going outside as much.

I cant tell if this is just a blip, maybe a bad week or so and would have happened regardless, or on some subconscious level I’m reverting to old habits because other aspects of my life are changing quite rapidly and I need comfort?

Self-care is something I’ve become more aware of as I try to adjust my mental health and the way I perceive myself in the world, but all my self care and coping strategies involve things that in moderation are fine  (sleep, food, alone time) but too much and it becomes unhealthy. I suppose writing this is helping me realise what I’ve been trying to hide from myself for a while. I am trying to be the best me I can and on days I feel good and motivated it’s easy.

I guess all I’m trying to say in this ramble is I’m struggling for now, but I’m not giving up on myself. Just admitting that its not easy and self-care is harder than it looks from the outside, so if you see someone that is acting not quite themselves, give them time, maybe they have a different way of coping with things then you do, but don’t be afraid to talk about it with them. The more we talk about these issues the less alone people will feel if they need to reach out. I’m extremely lucky I have a fantastic support system of friends and family I can lean on, but not everyone has that, or maybe feels like they don’t.

 

I’m sure now I have written this and recognise my patterns that I’ll come out the other side in a few days or so, I’m not going to pressure myself to be ok and if I’m not then I’ll ask for help because I know I cant solve everything alone. No one can.

Lego Story Part One Sabrina's story.

Ok to start this story, you may choose to read this prelude that will ultimately help you understand what the fuck is going on.

Prelude

This story begins many moons ago (yesterday) 20/3/17 will take us through and span the ages. Once in the distant second part of the UK somewhere in Leeds I think, a boy took a girl in to a Lego store to create 3 epic Lego people. so the boy made one, the girl made the other and together (but mostly the girl) created the third, which they would share.

With the Lego people created all that was left was the inevitable backstories that went along with each character. The story that follows are the stories for said characters.

Story 1.

The couples creation.

Once in the distant reaches of space lived a woman that travelled through time and space in a box that was similar to, but legally different from a famous British blue police box. In this box she went to a particular moment that now thanks to her is a very famous moment in history, you will know them as the Salem witch trials but before she landed in Salem it was just known as Tuesday.

Not long after her arrival she was noticed my the mysterious mayor of the little town, she grew to like him and confided in him that she was from beyond the stars, this only made him like her more and after a whirlwind courtship and romance they fell madly in love and created a life together, the couple had a child, a little girl. They couldn't be happier, but this wouldn't last long. For the mayor had a secret too that was about to be uncovered. One night in the throws of a terrible thunderstorm, the wife was restless, she couldn't sleep and worried that their house might not make it through the night in one piece, she rolled over to wake her husband but he wasn't laying next to her, she got up to see if he was concerned about the house too, but when she entered the living space she saw something that shook her to her core.

Her husband had a young man lifted off the ground struggling to break free from the grip around his neck, the husband was just about to lean in closer and finish his victim by biting his neck, with sharp fangs that suddenly grew larger the closer he leaned in to his victim. She screamed "aaaaaaahhhhh" and ran out the room, to grab her daughter and escape. She scooped her child up in her arms and ran to the woods to hide. Days after the ordeal, she had to go back to town to stock up on supplies for her and her daughter, she knew she couldn't stay in the woods forever and she planned to take the child north, towards Hawaii then it was only a short trip to the U.K. Which she heard was the place a DOCTOR, WHO we won't name, spent most of his time.

she stealthily approached the town and turned the corner to her house suddenly a huge roar of a crowd was all that could be heard, she hugged her daughter tighter in her arms but it was too late she had started crying she had no way to calm the child and quiet her as the shouts and yells of towns people got closer. she could finally make out the chants "burn the witch! Burn the witch!" She stumbled backwards in shock suddenly she felt someone behind her, she tried to turn. they struck the side of her head hard and she crumbled to the floor dropping her baby in the dirt still wailing.

When she came to she was slumped in a chair, in front on the mayor and rest of the town, apparently all of them waiting for her to regain consciousness. No sooner had her eyes opened to register the scene taking place, did the mayor start his speech and slander, that he had clearly been feeding the town during her absence, he continued on making accusations of her witchcraft while she was too woozy and shocked to defend herself. It didn't matter anyway, she wasn't given a chance to say her side of the story, as soon as the mayor finished his final word. She was dragged out of her chair to be taken to a stake in the centre of town. She struggled to break free, screaming for her baby, her innocence and the truth about the mayor. But no on listened. She was burned alive as the mayor held his daughter to watch.

Although the child was far too young to understand what she was witnessing, many people say that this is the day evil crept in to the young child's heart and soul. Changing her and the way she saw the world forever.

The child grew up twisted and bitter, feeling no love for her father and never knowing her mother. She isolated her self, choosing to spend her most of her days in the solitude of the woods, on her 15th birthday she caught a terrible cold, fighting through the fever that accompanied she started having terrible vivid nightmares of fire and screaming. Delirious she tried to get out of bed for help, she stumbled through the house and collapsed outside the front door, she woke the next morning in the wood she had walked through so many times before, but this time it felt different, as though it was watching her. For the first time in her life she wanted to leave and find her father,  just as she rose to her feet she heard a whooshing noise that some people may choose to imagine is similar to the noise from a classic British sci-fi drama. But if you did that it is entirely your doing so and not suggested and recommend by the author of this story. Then there in front of her was a legally different looking time travel box that may or may not have been bigger on the inside, it's doors opened for her and she stepped inside.

End of Part One.

Letter to my teenage self

Dear Bridie,

I'm sorry you're hurting right now, I know you are. I can't make it stop. I wish I could but unfortunately, you will have to feel every ounce of this pain on your own. People can and will try to help but they can't fix this.

I know you cry at night, you wake up each morning and feel physically ill (some times you are literally ill)
I know you hate yourself inside and out. I know you wish you could be different. Be anyone else, well I can't change that either sorry.

I want so badly to fix these things for you now so you don't have to go through years (yes, years) of hurt. Because I'm also sorry to tell you, it gets worse before it gets better. But please, please believe me when I say it really does get better.

It's not just a tired cliche, you do have an extremely hard road ahead. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, you have to put in a lot of effort even on days when you want to give in, on days when you have bad and scary thoughts. YOU are strong enough not to act on them. YOU stick around, you keep going. YOU do those things, you are so much stronger and braver than you ever give yourself credit for (we still struggle a bit today)

I wrote this because, we are in the best place we have ever been in our life and it keeps getting better each day. I thought you might want this letter. So on your darkest day, you know there is light. You can't see it yet but it's there. (Please trust me)

Here are some things you will experience to help you through. (not in order)

Our family gets bigger and so much better and you will love the extra additions like they're your own children, they also adore the bones of you just the way you are.

We aren't straight. (shocker) if you really think about it though, it makes sense. Look at all the crushes you have, or people you want to be "super best friends" with.

We do lose the weight*
disclaimer, we do get bigger before we make a change, but it happens. I know you're worried that we won't look good even if we lost weight. Spoiler we are fucking hot!

You will lose your virginity.
You're not going to die a virgin it's fine. relax.

And you meet someone absolutely fantastic.
(he just proof read this and complained we didn't mention his name, but we still won't because we're still annoying :D )

I hope this helps us when we're down.

Love, Bridie xx

Songs I would do it to

Ok, so I'm going to warn all readers now. If you don't want the mental image of me naked you should stop reading now.

Oooo, you cheeky thing (leave your number in the comments). Anyway the topic of today's blog post is about sexy songs, so I eloquently titled it "songs I would do it to"

Body say - Demi lovato
Break of dawn - Michael Jackson
Bump and grind - R Kelly
Calling all my lovelies - Bruno Mars
Confident - Demi lovato
Cool for the summer - Demi lovato
Finesse - Bruno mars
Ignition - R Kelly
In the closet - Michael Jackson
Je ne veus pa las fin de jous (I just can't stop loving you) [french] - Michael Jackson
Lady in my life - Michael Jackson
Leave your hat on - Etta James
Let's get it on - Marvin Gaye
Sex in the lounge - Nicki minaj
Sexual - neiked ft dyo
Sexual attention - 3T
Straight up and down - Bruno Mars
That's what I like - Bruno Mars
Todo mi amor eres tu (I just can't stop loving you) [spanish] - Michael Jackson
Versace on the floor - Bruno mars
Work from home - fifth harmony

On the flip side, to save you all from having to take a cold shower. Here are some songs that, although brilliant are not good at setting the mood.

We are the world - USA for Africa
Man in the mirror - Michael Jackson
Hello - Adele
Where is the love - black eyed peas
Pretty much any Disney song
Jesus in da house - father Brian and the fun loving cardinals
Because I got high - afro man
White cliffs of Dover - Vera Lynn
Fast food song - the fast food rockers
He's got the whole world in his hands - every primary school kid ever

Pros and cons of being fat.

(What is pros and cons short for. Cba to google it)

The following list is from my personal experience,it is written from a lighthearted point of view and not intended to body shame or offend anyone. If I have then please let me know and I will try and be more thoughtful with future posts.

Pros

• You can rest most things on your stomach while using them. i.e. phone, tablet, book or small child 

• You are never cold therefore save money on coats

• Most people think because you are fat you are tough so they don't fuck with you.

• You aren't asked to do any activity that involves small spaces or balancing precariously on a chair to reach things 

• If multiple passengers have to fit in a car, you will probably sit in the front 

• (If like me a lot of mainstream shops don't stock your size, you buy things online) your outfit is always unique. And will never wear what everyone else is wearing

Cons

• You develop a fear and hatred of flimsy chairs (I have broken two chairs before)

• Other people think it's ok to comment on your weight and health

• They also comment on what you eat whether it's health or unhealthy

• You also hate restaurant chairs that are screwed in to the ground they have a lack of tummy space for the large human

• Running for a bus or train is completely pointless (you probably won't catch it)

• Summer is the sweatiest season

• You can't wear clothing with junk food on it (someone will comment)

• You will be judged, presumed lazy and unhygienic by horrible people

If you can think of anymore pros or cons to add feel free to comment, just please bear in mind to be respectful also if you can identify with any of the points above I hope it helps to know you aren't alone.