Spinning Class

So today i went to a spinning class...

It all started a few weeks ago, I started to go to the gym each Friday afternoon with my friend Immy, and I was looking for a way to step up my exercise and weight loss, I saw that the leisure center does a few spinning classes a week so me and Immy signed up for one on Sunday morning 9;30-10;15 sounds harmless enough. Big mistake.

I woke up at seven and wanted to shoot myself in the face.

I could hear the wind and rain outside my window, and knew I wanted to go back in time and stop myself signing up for this. But I lack the ability to time travel (for now) I got up and got ready, by time I got there and me and Immy walked through to the room, I instantly wanted to pretend I had got the wrong room and do a 180 out of there, but I couldn't (I had paid £5.40) so we picked out some bikes at the back of the room and had to commit to this.

I knew I was going to struggle to keep up with the others before I even signed up, but I didn't know I would fail to keep up to quite the degree that happened. After the warm up song (Adele rolling in the deep) I started to feel like my legs hurt (and in my opinion that was quite the work out) then we moved on to a standing song (black eyed peas pump it) we had to stand and cycle for the entire duration, and let me just tell you now that was the only song I was able to stand for, after that my entire body was coated in sweat and my face had already gone through the whole spectrum of shades of red. I was too weak to lean forward and hold the handles so I just sat and let my arms dangle from my sides, they felt to heavy to lift.

Immy at this point was keeping up pretty well, so I felt even more out of shape and awkward. After another song, some random mix of beats that barely counts as a song. I was seriously contemplating making up an excuse to get out of there (either fake call about a family emergency or I do a Gillian Mckeith and "faint")  because at this point I still had a half hour left... but i didn't do a Gillian, I stayed.

The person running this class (clearly seeing me struggle) got off her bike at the front and came over, I thought for words of encouragement, but no.
"You need to increase the resistance"
I thought, what the fuck did she just say?
I feel like i'm peddling through wet cement as it is and you want me to make it more difficult?
I felt like saying just a flat out "no" and see how she reacts but I didn't, I just nodded and did as she said, partly out of shyness but more because I could barley breathe at this point let alone speak. As soon as she turned back to go to the front I turned it back down.

After another 10 minutes of torture I could see Immy starting to go the same shade of red I was and knew she hated it as much as me, at which point I started to make sarcastic remarks to lighten our mood and generally make light of the self inflicted punishment we were going through, then the instructor informed the class that we would be doing "bounces" to which I semi whispered to Immy "what the fuck are bounces?" turns out I didn't have to wonder for long.

Bounces are standing and peddling for two seconds then sitting down for four seconds, this went on for two minutes (1 minutes and 50 seconds too long in my opinion)

I had long given up on listening to what we were supposed to do and focused more on trying to ignore the excruciating pain in my legs and lungs, but it was cool. I knew that in a little while this would all be a funny (if not slightly painful) memory instead of the horrific present I was living in.

When the music stopped and the instructor said we were all finished. I felt like crying with joy, but I kept a cool (slightly sweaty) composure I got off the bike which had given me the worst ass ache ever, and stepped forward to leave, but then she started leading everyone in some stretching poses I couldn't believe it, I thought it was over. I felt like I was at the finish line then some one ran ahead and moved the line. I did the poses to the best of my ability and tried not to laugh at my failure in a room full of serious spinning professionals. Then as soon as we could leave Immy and me walked (I hobbled) out of there vowing never to go back.

The End.

Room 101: Adverts

So I was looking through all my past emails in a futile attempt to find my uncles email address, and during my search I found all the email I ever sent and the list goes back to 2008.

For shits and giggles I decided to look through some of the things I sent, and besides a plethora of viruses my email address sent out in 2010 and some embarrassing emails I sent to my friends of jokes I had just copied and pasted from the internet with the subject LOLZ!!!  I found an email I sent to a teacher it was a piece of homework called Room 101

Now I'm sure you are all familiar with the concept of Room 101, but for those of you who are unfamiliar I took the liberty of pasting the first sentence of a Wikipedia article for you
 

Room 101 is a place introduced in the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell. It is a torture chamber in the Ministry of Love in which the Party attempts to subject a prisoner to his or her own worst nightmare, fear or phobia.

“ You asked me once, what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world. ” — O'Brien

So our teacher (who although it holds no relevance to anything, I thought I might as well tell you was blind) got us to write a page on the thing we hate most and why we would send it to room 101,  this is my page, I also thought I should tell you the fact I had to email it her means I did not complete it in the lesson, probably because I was to busy trying to catch up on work I didn't do for the next lesson. (most likely History, which I got a D in overall... I wonder why?)

Anyway on with the thing.

Room 101: Adverts

Do you enjoy being reminded to go compare, by a ridiculously irritating opera singer with the power of his extremely annoying voice which alone can shake tables and then he floats above cars whilst trying to convince you to change your car insurance? Or being bullied to sell your phone by a combination of the world ugliest people that look like they have just been herded off the street this advert is shocking on so many levels with the perfect recipe for a truly terrifyingly advert, a welsh accent, a man with a giant Mohican, and a man that shouts Wonga at you, then to top it all off the man with the giant Mohican that looks like he could impale you says cooull it an accent that is like no other on this planet.

I hate adverts so much because, adverts now are made to be more annoying so that you remember them more easily and they are 25% louder than the shows on TV, so that even if you have left the room you can still here the annoying attempt at rapping the words, we buy any car or one of the hundreds of ads telling you to sell your gold at cash your gold or cash 4 gold or cash I don’t care. Personally one of my biggest dreams in the world is to outlive the DFS sale but I think that when the world ends all that will be left is cockroaches and the DFS sale.

I keep having this dream that all the most annoying adverts people will have some kind of showdown or battle to the death, starting with a fight between Wonga man and go compare guy, then Mohican man comes charging in and tries to impale his enemies, then we buy any car rapper comes and tries to bust some moves but fails, suddenly all the gold grabbers capture you in there handy pre paid envelops but like I said in the end the DFS sale wins because it can’t die.

I wish all these adverts and more could be put in room 101 we lock the door and then we sell the key to cash your gold. 

So that was what I wrote please bear in mind at the time this was written all these adverts were relevant and my humour was cutting edge (obviously). Also side note I only got a C for this (my teacher did not appreciate my humour, but like many great people I will get my recognition in the end)

Here are links to some of the adverts mentioned in my post
Go compare - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_-9QFvhQWo
Envirofone - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sJW0LKXeOE
We Buy Any Car - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXiJBp7HK5o