My First Driving Lesson

So the story begins on a boring Thursday afternoon, last Thursday to be exact. and I had worked myself in to such a state of anxiety and hyper readiness I was processing everything at lightning speed, but as I have said before i can absorb everything at the time then my brain mass dumps the information as soon as I have calmed down. Perfect for a driver.

Anyway I was ready to shit myself, metaphorically and literally. (I couldn't tell if it was nerves or if the Costa chocolate cooler I had earlier was a bit dodgy). So what felt all too suddenly my instructor pulled up outside and I had to get in. It was go time.

First thing that happened was I got told off for putting my seat belt on, so I had mixed messages, then she ran though a bunch stuff I don't fully remember like blind-spots and safety (good job bridie) then I actually had to sit in the drivers seat and drive (something everyone assured me I wouldn't do on my first lesson) ok so she talked me though each step and I had the wheel, "ok bridie turn right slightly to get on to the road" then I nearly swerved on to the curb, safe to say driving is not like the movies, and she proceeded to grab the wheel and save us all from a one mile an hour crash.

Then after nearly forty panic filled minutes of starting, driving twenty yards and stopping repeatedly at roaring speeds or four mph, doing a whopping one and a half laps around my estate. I couldn't wait to get out of that metal rolling death box and kiss the sweet non moving ground. And do it all over again next week.

Bridgeport prize winner

So I wrote this and was going to enter it in to a competion, called "the bridgeport writing competion". But I completely forgot to finish it and missed the deadline. so i thought i may as well post it on here :)

enjoy.

There is no pleasant way to die.

I could bite your head off, you could die all together barely being touched but then the acid hits and your slowly burn and melt in to the nothingness, I could force you to kiss as I watched, or press you together in a sixty nine position then after you have been humiliated, I will bite you both and end it quickly for you. I'm kind like that.

God damn I love gummy-bears.

Sitting in the dark save for the white glow of my computer screen, I wonder if I should draw my curtains closed, they are no longer serving there daytime purpose of letting light in so I will let them start there night time duty of keeping murders and monsters from looking in. I’m typing to win the Bridgeport prize, I wasn't going to enter because I saw little point in paying money I don't have to enter a competition I cant win, but I have had words swirling around my head for months now so either I am meant to be a writer or I am a crazy person, well actually why not both?

I want to be a writer, I think I always have really. Well apart from that small phase went I wanted to be a pokemon trainer. But after I realised pokemon didn’t exist and if they did pokemon training would most likely be illegal for being straight up animal abuse, I got over that and went back to the whole writing thing, the kind of writer I want to be … no scratch that the kind of person I want to be is that sort of super cool in between level of famous where you can walk around with out bodyguards or paparazzi following you, but your fans will recognise you and ask for pictures or autographs, a bit like Zooey Deschanel I love Zooey Deschanel, she has the exact perfect level of fame.

Ok I am rambling, I just thought you should get to know me a bit before I carried on, so you could see im not crazy. But after re reading what I just typed I feel I have done the exact opposite of what I intended, oh well cant go back now, I'm on a typewriter. Just kidding i'm not some hipster wannabe that takes his/her incredibly pretentious, has to be retro typewriter to Starbucks (which by the way must be so inconvenient and way more hassle then its worth) all just for attention, or to Instagram it to your millions of hipster followers. I have Instagram by the way, but I only have 7 followers and i'm pretty sure 3 of them are scambots.

Have you read the book grow up by ben brooks? I have I gave it 3 stars on goodreads but I can't

get it out of my head so maybe it deserved more? i dunno. have you read junior by macaulay

culkin? i have. for a while it was my favorite book it was the first book i read for a second time,

both of these books are completely different but they are similar in the fact i liked them because

they are totally random and completely pointless, like seriously you finish them and genuinely

wonder what the heck was the moral or conclusion, there is no kind of overall cathartic (is that

the right word i'm looking for? probably not.) end.

I want this story to be like those ones, i did have a story, I started for this competition. it was

about a girl stuck in the same day over and over, like groundhog day. but i found it boring and

struggled to continue.(good sell, bridie really instilled confidence in your skills there) do you want

to read some of it?

To late its happening….. now.

How many days in a year?

You all probably just answered 365 right? Wrong. One. There is one day, that is it and I have lived that

one day over for 1090 days. Bill Murray hasn’t got shit on me.

If you are wondering what happened, I can’t help answer that, I have no idea. but the one thing I am sure

of is I am all alone and fucked. To be honest I didn’t even realize the days hadn’t changed for about a

week, I rarely interact with others or go outside unless necessary, but after the eighth time of my teacher

going over the same algebra lesson I started to catch on.

I have watched everything on TV at least 3 times over and I have eaten the same crappy mac and cheese

my mum makes almost everyday for three years, I don’t know how my mum hasn’t noticed my aging she

sometimes stares at my face for long periods over dinner but never questions me, I guess she puts it down

to puberty. I do my part by keeping my style the same and wearing baggy hoodies to cover up the breasts

that to her would have developed over night.

Within the first few months of this, I tried to figure out how to change things. I stopped going to school

(what’s the point) and I spent my days at the library or blockbuster video, trying to do all the research I

could on time loops or what ever the hell this is, I have watched groundhog day over and over to see what

I need to do, but I haven’t found any answers, I have apologised to all the people I might have wronged, I

have given to charity, I have helped old people cross the street, I even saved a freaking cat from a tree,

but nothing has worked. I’m currently reading a few books on the topic but as this is usually something

that is fictional I don’t have a very good jumping off point.

I wrote more, but i can't show you all of it. got a word count to watch for, haha.

1002.

if you found that story interesting, or thought it had potential. please dont tell me, i think i would

prefer not to know that i carried on with the wrong one (sobs quietly)

do you know who else i admire? well of course you dont , you dont even know who i am, and

even if you did know (which would be creepy) you cant exactly answer me, at best you can talk

to the page in front of you, but that would be weird. anyway the person i admire is mindy lahiri

(not mindy kaling the actress who plays her) the actual character, she is literally my spirit animal (not quite sure what that means, if its sexual then i think i take it back). anyway the reason why,

is because the charater, does and says things, that i think and feel but in a way more human and

genuine way then other tv characters.

The Fault My Stars

So I recently started going to an anxiety support group, which is incredibly helpful and full of some really nice people. But being the weirdo over analyzing freak I am, I started trying to compare myself and my situation to the book "The Fault In Our Stars" ( Immy you seriously need to read it btw). Which obviously is a bit of a stretch to compare anxiety to cancer but that isn't what I mean,

I was only told about the group from a guy I met online and we started talking and becoming friends he lives in Brighton so I didn't feel so isolated, because most people on UK anxiety forums are from London. anyway he met me in Brighton outside TKmaxx near the group and walked me in, so i wouldn't be as anxious, which was really nice and obviously got me thinking... that he is eternally in love with me, and we are destined to be together forever (duh). so now every time we are in group together I start to compare us to hazel (me) and Augustus (him) and I am already planing our trip to Amsterdam. haha kidding. (not kidding). 

Seriously though I can't be the only girl that does this, start to fantasize and romanticize about guys that are simply doing a nice gesture. Can I?

(Also, I feel the only reason he has yet to profess his love to me, is because of the anxiety. Naturally, either that or I have concocted this whole elaborate and completely false scenario in my head. But what is more likely?)

So anyway you may be receiving a save the date card soon. Ha-ha.

Time Travel

Time travel

If time travel was possible what would you do?

 Like, really because everyone’s is all like I would go kill Hitler (not that i wouldn't want to). but can you imagine how difficult that would be, let alone how that could fuck up the future also you might die as well, then there would be a whole situation where like you fade away out of all your family pictures and stuff.

If I could time travel, I would do small things like not trip over in front of everyone in the middle of town. Or maybe I might meet my mum and say hi and get a super confusing picture where we are the same age then in the future (present) she will be like wtf?!?!

Haha , stream of consciousness bye bye

Spinning Class

So today i went to a spinning class...

It all started a few weeks ago, I started to go to the gym each Friday afternoon with my friend Immy, and I was looking for a way to step up my exercise and weight loss, I saw that the leisure center does a few spinning classes a week so me and Immy signed up for one on Sunday morning 9;30-10;15 sounds harmless enough. Big mistake.

I woke up at seven and wanted to shoot myself in the face.

I could hear the wind and rain outside my window, and knew I wanted to go back in time and stop myself signing up for this. But I lack the ability to time travel (for now) I got up and got ready, by time I got there and me and Immy walked through to the room, I instantly wanted to pretend I had got the wrong room and do a 180 out of there, but I couldn't (I had paid £5.40) so we picked out some bikes at the back of the room and had to commit to this.

I knew I was going to struggle to keep up with the others before I even signed up, but I didn't know I would fail to keep up to quite the degree that happened. After the warm up song (Adele rolling in the deep) I started to feel like my legs hurt (and in my opinion that was quite the work out) then we moved on to a standing song (black eyed peas pump it) we had to stand and cycle for the entire duration, and let me just tell you now that was the only song I was able to stand for, after that my entire body was coated in sweat and my face had already gone through the whole spectrum of shades of red. I was too weak to lean forward and hold the handles so I just sat and let my arms dangle from my sides, they felt to heavy to lift.

Immy at this point was keeping up pretty well, so I felt even more out of shape and awkward. After another song, some random mix of beats that barely counts as a song. I was seriously contemplating making up an excuse to get out of there (either fake call about a family emergency or I do a Gillian Mckeith and "faint")  because at this point I still had a half hour left... but i didn't do a Gillian, I stayed.

The person running this class (clearly seeing me struggle) got off her bike at the front and came over, I thought for words of encouragement, but no.
"You need to increase the resistance"
I thought, what the fuck did she just say?
I feel like i'm peddling through wet cement as it is and you want me to make it more difficult?
I felt like saying just a flat out "no" and see how she reacts but I didn't, I just nodded and did as she said, partly out of shyness but more because I could barley breathe at this point let alone speak. As soon as she turned back to go to the front I turned it back down.

After another 10 minutes of torture I could see Immy starting to go the same shade of red I was and knew she hated it as much as me, at which point I started to make sarcastic remarks to lighten our mood and generally make light of the self inflicted punishment we were going through, then the instructor informed the class that we would be doing "bounces" to which I semi whispered to Immy "what the fuck are bounces?" turns out I didn't have to wonder for long.

Bounces are standing and peddling for two seconds then sitting down for four seconds, this went on for two minutes (1 minutes and 50 seconds too long in my opinion)

I had long given up on listening to what we were supposed to do and focused more on trying to ignore the excruciating pain in my legs and lungs, but it was cool. I knew that in a little while this would all be a funny (if not slightly painful) memory instead of the horrific present I was living in.

When the music stopped and the instructor said we were all finished. I felt like crying with joy, but I kept a cool (slightly sweaty) composure I got off the bike which had given me the worst ass ache ever, and stepped forward to leave, but then she started leading everyone in some stretching poses I couldn't believe it, I thought it was over. I felt like I was at the finish line then some one ran ahead and moved the line. I did the poses to the best of my ability and tried not to laugh at my failure in a room full of serious spinning professionals. Then as soon as we could leave Immy and me walked (I hobbled) out of there vowing never to go back.

The End.

Room 101: Adverts

So I was looking through all my past emails in a futile attempt to find my uncles email address, and during my search I found all the email I ever sent and the list goes back to 2008.

For shits and giggles I decided to look through some of the things I sent, and besides a plethora of viruses my email address sent out in 2010 and some embarrassing emails I sent to my friends of jokes I had just copied and pasted from the internet with the subject LOLZ!!!  I found an email I sent to a teacher it was a piece of homework called Room 101

Now I'm sure you are all familiar with the concept of Room 101, but for those of you who are unfamiliar I took the liberty of pasting the first sentence of a Wikipedia article for you
 

Room 101 is a place introduced in the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell. It is a torture chamber in the Ministry of Love in which the Party attempts to subject a prisoner to his or her own worst nightmare, fear or phobia.

“ You asked me once, what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world. ” — O'Brien

So our teacher (who although it holds no relevance to anything, I thought I might as well tell you was blind) got us to write a page on the thing we hate most and why we would send it to room 101,  this is my page, I also thought I should tell you the fact I had to email it her means I did not complete it in the lesson, probably because I was to busy trying to catch up on work I didn't do for the next lesson. (most likely History, which I got a D in overall... I wonder why?)

Anyway on with the thing.

Room 101: Adverts

Do you enjoy being reminded to go compare, by a ridiculously irritating opera singer with the power of his extremely annoying voice which alone can shake tables and then he floats above cars whilst trying to convince you to change your car insurance? Or being bullied to sell your phone by a combination of the world ugliest people that look like they have just been herded off the street this advert is shocking on so many levels with the perfect recipe for a truly terrifyingly advert, a welsh accent, a man with a giant Mohican, and a man that shouts Wonga at you, then to top it all off the man with the giant Mohican that looks like he could impale you says cooull it an accent that is like no other on this planet.

I hate adverts so much because, adverts now are made to be more annoying so that you remember them more easily and they are 25% louder than the shows on TV, so that even if you have left the room you can still here the annoying attempt at rapping the words, we buy any car or one of the hundreds of ads telling you to sell your gold at cash your gold or cash 4 gold or cash I don’t care. Personally one of my biggest dreams in the world is to outlive the DFS sale but I think that when the world ends all that will be left is cockroaches and the DFS sale.

I keep having this dream that all the most annoying adverts people will have some kind of showdown or battle to the death, starting with a fight between Wonga man and go compare guy, then Mohican man comes charging in and tries to impale his enemies, then we buy any car rapper comes and tries to bust some moves but fails, suddenly all the gold grabbers capture you in there handy pre paid envelops but like I said in the end the DFS sale wins because it can’t die.

I wish all these adverts and more could be put in room 101 we lock the door and then we sell the key to cash your gold. 

So that was what I wrote please bear in mind at the time this was written all these adverts were relevant and my humour was cutting edge (obviously). Also side note I only got a C for this (my teacher did not appreciate my humour, but like many great people I will get my recognition in the end)

Here are links to some of the adverts mentioned in my post
Go compare - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_-9QFvhQWo
Envirofone - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sJW0LKXeOE
We Buy Any Car - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXiJBp7HK5o