Some Of The Real Me.

I saw the documentary Bad 25th anniversary on Sunday. All I can say is it was beautiful.

You may have noticed that this isn't going to be funny, sarcastic or in any way a jokey post, this post is serious and everything I put in this entry I mean it with all my heart.

 And in no way shape or form is this post going to say everything I want to tell you. it’s not going to be perfect I'm going to miss bits out or find something indescribable, but in a way maybe it being imperfect is perfect in its own way like the song  “Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay” it was never finished there was supposed to be a final verse but Otis Redding whistled it and was going to finish later, but he died so it stayed unfinished, imperfect in his eyes but in the eyes of millions a perfect song. Listened to and sung over and over by generations, so hopefully me seeing this as imperfect is ok.

To a lot of my friends it comes as no surprise that I would want to talk about this documentary, because in last year of secondary school it was no secret I was a fan of his.  On some level just like almost everyone I grew up with Michael’s music as the background to childhood a sort of staple in life, just always there like you were born knowing his songs that's how it seemed. I know being born in 94 I wasn't there when people were seeing his work the first time around especially since the first big hit with the Jackson 5 was in like 1969. and I wasn't a kid sitting up watching Motown 25 when he showed the world the moonwalk, or going in to school the next day talking to everyone about seeing the  “Thriller” short film or “Bad” which were and still are ground-breaking, and maybe by time I got my turn to experience these things for myself they seemed old and tainted by media and that people had grown bored or complaisant  or used to seeing and hearing him and his music,

But there was always something subconsciously sort of subliminally that made me notice his music, like the cover of “Smooth Criminal “by Alien Ant Farm I loved that song without even knowing it was a cover I heard it and loved the lyrics I never really liked the rocky style they did it in (even though I said I did to try and copy my big brother) but I listened to that song over and over and feeling like I wanted more in a completely inexpressible way then I heard the original and it was everything I wanted and more, and the song “Rock My World” one morning when my brother was flicking through music channels I heard a tiny snippet of that just before he flicked to another channel I never knew he sang that until years later after I bought all the albums. but when I heard that, that morning I remember it, I told him to go back to the channel adamantly,  but by time he actually listened to me and went back it finished. but the reason I remember that is because the bit of his song I heard I loved it like seriously loved it. and at the time I wasn't really in to music I listened to the odd song, but I felt very much on the fence kind of take it or leave it .so to feel that way about a song like that for me at that time was a big deal.

 I really started to notice his music in 2008 I think I was. when the “King Of Pop Greatest Hits Album” came out, the advert came on one afternoon and I just really wanted it so I just got dressed straight away walked down to Tesco and bought the cd brand new, and I remember walking home with it in the bag and feeling like I can't wait to play it wishing I brought my Sony cd Walkman to play it on, and  when I got home I remember my mum had a go at me for getting brand new as soon as it came out because she thought there was no point in getting  I could just wait until it was out a while and gone on sale but I didn’t care that I spent more money on it, and I played that album all the time I didn't want to do anything not listening to it I would sit trying to focus on homework or whilst wanting to read at night, and completely failing because I wanted to hear him and sing along at the same time, I remember at the time my favourite song was scream, but since then and having like 14 songs total some even Jackson 5 songs taken from LimeWire  I now have like 780 including remixes unreleased and leaked demos and anything he is in as a featured singer. But with that many songs it's easy to just feel used to him and let it just be something I'm used to and carry on with life and grow up and let it get smaller and care less a bit

But I wanted to write this today because watching this documentary I felt the old magic that indescribable feeling that just so powerful I cried, because this feeling that I felt I know its special it’s the thing that makes everything ok, it’s the feeling that makes me unable to stop smiling. It’s so unique but universal because I know that every has something that makes them feel this was whatever it maybe.

I wished that could have met him, I just wish so hard and so much that I could have known him or even seen him, maybe in concert but I don't care how. I have played it out so many times in my head just meeting him, and noticing the little things, and try to take in the moment that complete perfect moment and knowing that my dream is completely impossible completely kills me. I genuinely feel like my soul gets crushed a bit more each time knowing this.  The only thing I can feel happiness in is that I was alive and on this earth for some of the same time he was and got to experience his effect on the world in my lifetime, which is something only future generations can read about like how I will never know what Elvis’s effect on the world felt like or Beatle mania.

Now I bet I know what you're think that it's a bit weird to feel so strongly about someone you never met or even seen live or anything, so why do you feel so strongly ? Well the answer is that I feel like there is something about him not his music just him that is so relatable and I identify with on such a basic human level that transcends through time and generation gaps and you can see his genuine self and childlike innocence and genius in every bit of footage he is in. And in everything he does

That’s why when I hear someone insulting someone I feel so strongly and spiritually about, when they insult my hero. I feel that in my mind it is completely justified to feel anger towards them and try to defend him to the best of my ability or if they are on TV or in the public eye I try to boycott things they are involved in. it may seem childish but I just think that if everyone stood up for what they believed in and didn’t kick people when they are down (any one not just Michael Jackson I hate random mindless celebrity criticising they are all people with their own feelings and insecurities) then hopefully people would see that although it may be a little joke to them that these public figures have feelings/family members that may see there joke as not very funny. (even though there have been times I have stayed quiet which I have regretted like in college for example I never even told anyone I liked Michael Jackson and had to avoid wearing any of the ten+ t shirts I had at the time I just hid this huge part of me for 2 years for fear of what other people might think and that is one of my biggest regrets)

But in a way I feel like writing this and exposing this now and just leaving this post with some of my innermost feelings and I don't know who will or won't read it  and truly not caring because now I have gained enough self-confidence and self-esteem that even if those people in college or anyone I have hidden this from  doesn’t  like what I have written or think this is weird, I truly and honestly can say I don't care. I won't stop feeling this magic when I hear his music and it won't change the fact that on his birthday every year I watch “The Wiz”, “Moonwalker”, “This Is It” and now I will include “The Bad25 Documentary” in a mini MJ movie marathon. And I won't stop me blaring his music when I am upset or thinking of music videos for his new songs and it definitely won’t stop him being my hero, I will keep on being me so I might as well let people see it.

(Also Watch Bad25th Anniversary Documentary).