Top Ten Bridie Ships

I'm back, and ready to give you some B (posibbly C) grade material.

So in case you dont know I have been trying to gain a following on youtube and put a video out every sunday, and while doing this I have also been watching a lot more "youtubers" and many popular people on youtube have a fan base that like to "ship"* them with other "youtubers" so I thought as I have a viewership that averages in the 20's I would just become my own fan base and "ship" myself with a bunch of "youtubers" and also see what our babies look like... (not weird at all right)

*ship is short for relationship, means pairing people together (not necessarily romantic)

Top ten Bridie Ships (in no particular order, but counting down from ten)

10.  Shane Dawson + Bridie = Brane













9. Tyler Oakley + Bridie = Bryler

I honestly don't know what or why this happened to this baby, I think it may have been because we had to adopt (clearly from some four eyed freak of nature) due tyler's not being in to the ladies anyways Bryler take 2

8. Phil (amazingphil) + Bridie =  Bril 

(clearly due to strong genes on the fathers side our baby will be born with a fringe)


7.Louise (sprinkleofglitter) + Bridie = Brouise

6. Alfie (pointlessblog) + Bridie = Bralfie













5. Zoe (zoella) + Bridie = Broella

4.Grace (dailygrace) + Bridie = Gradie or Brace

(Looks almost exactly like No. 6)

3. Lucas Cruikshank (Lucas or Fred) + Bridie = Blucas or Ludicas













2. Dan (danisnotonfire) + Bridie = Dandie













1.  Jenna  Marbles  +  Bridie  =  Jendie





 

Bad Day

I wrote this last night and posted it on tumblr, I have been struggling badly with my anxiety again for a few days and I have been over thinking as a result.

The following post is not in anyway a suicidal post, it is just a bad couple of days put in to words. hopefully I can post this up and move on and start getting better again. 

I’m feeling really low right now.

I keep thinking about college, and how i messed up my final show by not going because of my depression and anxiety, i feel like because no one knew what was going on they were probably all bitching about me and that’s the last impression i had on them.

i also feel like i don’t matter to anyone outside of my family, i have made loads of friends over the years in school and college, but as soon as that stage is over they don’t talk to me. i’m not in contact with anyone i considered a friend except one girl (but even that is very rare).

i have tried a few times to meet up with people, but no one makes an effort for me and i always feel i’m trying to hard and having a friend should be this difficult so i give up hoping they might try, but no one does.

i just feel like no one cares.

i know this sounds stupid, but it hurts a little when i set up an ask account and literally no one bothered, and its the same with tumblr no one asks anything, it feels like no one thinks about me, i didn’t make an impression on anyone ever.

like seriously no one ever am i just forget-able? am i doing something wrong?

i know in the past, because of my anxiety i created this persona. where i was always saying and doing stupid things, it was to get people to think i was funny and then if they didn’t like me it didn’t hurt as much because i knew it wasn’t the real me but now, no one knows the real me and i hate myself and my anxiety for the persona.

i just thought in college (and school) i had friends, but thinking back now especially during my depression last year when no one even asked me if i was ok. it hurts.

i think a lot about people in my college (maybe i shouldn’t bother now) and i’m just upset knowing i could have easily not been there and lifted right out and it would have made no difference.  

Black Eyes (Final Part)

After a few hours sitting and dwelling on the bathroom incident, I went in to town to get some new clothes and get to know my surroundings I drove out of the cul de sac and down the road for a few minutes then I saw a girl about my age walk and open up a shop, so I parked the car and called after her "hey wait!" she seemed startled and ran inside the store, I followed her and stepped inside the shop, "hey I was calling you." "oh I didn't hear you", whoever this girl was she was an awful liar, "I just wanted to ask you about the town, I just moved here with my mum and wondered, what there is to do in this town?" the girl seemed somewhat at ease by my question, as if she had expected the worst and just dodged a bullet. Then she started to umm and ahh trying to busy herself behind the counter. I wanted to know why this girl was being so strange to someone she didn't know, I certainly hadn't given her reason to be, it was just then I realized she still hadn't answered, so at that point I decided to change the subject "so do you have any shoes in this shop" “oh yeah we have a big range of shoes.

I took a look round the shop, it was one of those stores that made you wonder how it manages to stay in business, it was filled with random outdated electronics and clothes that your grandmother might wear, I found a pair of shoes that I didn’t hate and pretended to show interest in them “do you have these in any other size?” not really bothered by her answer, “oh yeah we have loads out back, what size are you?” “uh a size 13” “wow a 13 I'm not sure if we go up that high in women’s shoes I will have to go out and take a look” “oh you know what I'm not really sure on them anyway so don’t go to any trouble” “ are you sure? Because I can look if you want it’s no trouble.”  “No really I think I’ll leave it” I rushed out of there so I would be stuck buying some shoes I would never wear; I just did it to get the girl to stop acting so strange.

The next few weeks at the house went by without incident, and then one night I was woken up by the sound of someone pounding on the front door, I got out of bed and ran down the stairs, through the hall and got to the door. I froze what if it was them, the boys with the black eyes. I didn’t know what to do. “Who is it?” my mum asked standing at the top of the stairs, just her being there put me at ease somewhat. “I dunno, should I open the door. They sound mad” I felt like a child at that moment and I wanted my mum to just take over the situation. “Oh move out the way, let me see” she pushed me aside and peered through the peep hole “its, your father. What do you want!” she shouted though the door. I wasn’t happy that my dad was here in the middle of the night, don’t get me wrong. I was so relieved that it was not those kids. “Just let me in, I need to talk.” He slurred “go home Eric, your drunk, and I have nothing to say to you”  “pl- pleassse jusst open the door”, “no Eric leave us alone” “oh Amanda, are you there, pleasse tal- hic- talk to your mum, Amanda, Amanda? Let me in” I stayed quiet and just stared at the door not knowing what to do or say. “She doesn’t want to talk to you Eric”. I did want to talk but I had nothing to say “fine you stupid cow; you twisted her against me, my own daughter. But you can’t keep that door closed forever!”

Everything went silent “I think he is leaving” I said so quietly it was almost silent. “No he isn’t leaving, HE THINKS IF HE IS QUIET THEN I WILL OPEN THE DOOR. BUT I’M NOT AN IDIOT ERIC, DO YOU HEAR? I'M NOT OPENING THAT DOOR.”  The lights when out. That sneaky little, He must have messed with the fuse box, Amanda go down to the basement and flick the switch on the fuse box. I need to get my phone so I call the police before this gets out of hand”. I didn’t want to go I hated the dark and the basement is the most clichéd no go area in the house to go in a situation like this, but I knew my mum was in no mood to hear me argue so I just started stumbling around the house trying to find my way from the front door to the back of the house and down to the basement after a minute or two of groping the walls to find the basement I got to the door, as I open the door I take a deep breath and try not to let my fears creep in.

I walk down the stairs and after bumping in to practically every item in the basement I found the fuse box and just starting flicking switches and pressing things at random hoping something would work. It did. The lights came on and the light from upstairs dimly lit the basement just enough for me to see my way out. I walked out of the basement somewhat surprised that there wasn’t an axe murderer ready to chop me up downstairs. The lights went out again. “Amanda I said fix the lights I'm still looking for my phone, the landline isn’t working” my mum called from the other room, but I was too tired to answer so I just walked back downstairs feeling more annoyed by this situation than anything else, I had roughly memorised the way to the fuse box so it was no problem getting the lights back on the second time. As I walked back up the stairs a second time I stumbled on something and as I lifted my foot I saw it was a small disposable lighter, I decided to pick it up and flicked the wheel, it Worked, I decided to keep it with me I thought it might come in handy the next time I have to do this. I wondered why we had a lighter in the house neither me nor my mum smoked and I don’t think before this either of us had been in the basement.

I went upstairs again walked in to the living room and found my mum sitting on the sofa just staring blankly, at first I assume it was just her anger and tiredness had finally got the better of her, just then I notice her phone in her hand “oh you found your phone then, where was it?” just as I say this I noticed the conversation time on the screen was still counting she hadn’t hung up. “mum you need to disconnect the call… mum?” she wasn’t responding or even moving so I took the phone out of her hand and pressed it against my ear, it was her voicemail. “To hear the message again please press the hash key” I press the button not knowing what to expect, “hi Mrs Mccallister this is Officer Brown from the local police department we wouldn’t usually do this over the phone but we have no current address for you  I am extremely sorry to have to inform you but your husband has been found dead in his home, and I have been informed by the people at the scene his body had gone unnoticed for at least three days and it looks like alcohol had something to do with it but at this stage we can’t say for certain, if you could please come down to the HQ  and I could talk to you further.” He was dead. My dad was dead. The phone slipped from my hand and slowly hit the floor. I looked at my mum. But she was gone she wasn’t in the room; I didn’t even see her leave. The lights went out. I reached in my pocket to get the lighter. Click. I flicked the lighter on. “Mum, mum where are you?” I got no response. Just then I heard the door slam shut. I ran to it and tried to pull it open but I couldn’t. “Mum…I can’t open the door” The lighters flame was going dim so I let go of the button. Click. I heard some movement in the corner I flicked the lighter on, Off, On, off something was there in the room with me I was trapped.

On. I could hear it
Off. It brushed my shoulder
On. It was running
Off. Silence
On… on … on
No gas

I fumbled in the dark desperately trying to click the lighter back on. I dropped it. And tried to run I couldn’t find the doors, desperately I felt the walls hoping for something anything…
The next thing I know I wake up in a field in the middle of nowhere I feel exhausted and I don’t have any shoes, but I just start walking hoping to find someone to get my bearings and some help, I walk for what felt like hours and the sun hurt my eyes, even looking down they felt like they were burning in my head, just then I see a small house and walk up to the door.


 Knock, knock
“Hello I need to come in”.

The End.

Black Eyes (Part Two)

After a few days we began to settle in to the house quite nicely and were doing quite well, Mum asked me to wait in for the telephone engineer, we needed a new a phone line, weirdly my nans had been ripped out, but the guy was coming out to fix it. I heard a small tapping at the door and rushed to let the guy in, I swung the door open. Two small boys were standing on the porch, you’re not here to fix my phone line I asked, thinking to myself their probably looking for money for some charity, They Both stared at  the ground, I Raised my voice, “hello, are you ok?” The children couldn’t have been more than ten; I asked again louder “hello, are you ok?” “We need to come in” the nearest boy whispered, I looked him up and down he had pale almost transparent skin, His clothes looked like he had grown into them or weirdly I thought Grown out of them he wore a tight dirty red hoody, it was so tattered I looked away as not to embarrass him which made me notice his bare feet, they didn’t look like children’s feet they were much bigger than normal for a boy. I quickly glanced at his friend; He was identical in everything except his toes were weirdly abnormally longer.

 A feeling of fear descended slowly through my body, I struggled to speak “uh... Uh. Why?”  I managed to choke out. The smaller second boy started to step forward; I reached for the door handle. The older first boy shot him a look, and he stopped. “We need to use your phone” they said in unison, as if it was rehearsed. I wanted them off the property, I wanted to slam the door, I wanted to get out of this situation. But I was frozen by my fear, I just stood there, in my head I was thinking that this was completely irrational they were just children, needing to use the phone, they had done nothing to make me feel the way I did, every instinct I had screamed inside me that something wasn’t right, Where was Mum when I needed her? or even the Phone guy would be a welcome stranger right now. I prayed inside my head for someone to appear and get rid of them, “it doesn’t work” I barely managed to get the words out of my mouth. “Let us in” the second one said sounding a little insistent “we need to use your phone” “it doesn’t work” I said again this time with a little more authority. “LET US IN!” the first one shouted. “NO!” I screamed back, and slammed the door in their face making sure to lock it behind me. I stood against the door, my heart pounding; I breathed heavily almost gasping for breath, as if I hadn’t been able to breath for some time.

After a minute I had calmed down and had a chance to rationalize the situation, it was just some rude kids I thought, I stepped away from the door and peered through the curtain to see if they had gone. They weren’t there, I walked over to look through the peep hole in the door just to reassure myself, but all I could see was black I assumed the peep hole had some dirt on or inside the lens and wiped it and looked through it again, nothing still black. It blinked. It was an eye. A soul penetrating black eye. not just a pupil but the whole thing, iris, sclera, all black. They were still there, but how, I looked through the window barely twenty seconds ago. And there wasn’t a person in sight. I was panicking I didn’t know what to do I felt trapped was it the boys from before, or something else?

Knock. Knock. Oh god it is, it’s the kids from before they want to come in I can feel it, against all my better instincts I called out “who is it?” a young man’s voice called back, “ it’s me miss Mccallister, the  telephone engineer from Konectionz phone company, I'm here to repair your phone lines” “uh…ok I will be there in a second” I was too terrified to move let alone open that door again, “oh don’t worry miss, the door is open if you don’t mind I can let myself in”  that door was locked I would put my life on it, I know that door was locked. “uh yeah sure come on in” I hoped that he couldn’t open the door, but as he stepped in my stomach dropped and I felt dizzy and nauseas I knew somehow they had unlocked that door, I know it was crazy but I felt it had to be true, how else would that door have unlocked.

I tried to calm down and not seem crazy in front of the phone guy, “so where is the phone?” he asked as he walked in. I pointed him in the direction of the living room; he was quite tall, probably 20s early 30s. But his face looked much younger, he had an olive complexion and a buzz cut his eyes which I took particular notice of in light of recent events, were a pleasant blue green. Still feeling drained. I decided to follow him; I was too freaked out to be alone, even if I didn’t know this guy. I stood in the doorway of the living room watching him work and after a few unbelievably awkward minutes, I said “did you see any kids outside?” “Uh kids?” “Yeah kids outside my house”, “no I don’t think so, why?” “Are you sure?” “Yeah I'm sure, why?” I'm not sure if that was a good or bad thing that he didn’t see the kids, it either meant I'm crazy or that something freaky is going on. I just realized that the phone guy was still looking at me waiting for an answer. “uh well I have had some kids coming to the house asking,  actually it doesn’t matter”  “well miss Mccallister I think I have fixed the wiring problem, do you have mobile that you could use to test the line?” “n-no it’s dead I’m sorry” “ah no problem I think I left mine in my van I will go get it and test your line” “WAIT!” I almost shouted, I didn’t want him to go, but at the same time I didn’t want to go with him. And I needed a working phone. “What?” he said looking concerned “oh I though you... Uh might want a cup of tea, did you?” I didn’t want to tell him the real reason I didn’t think he should go out there. “Uh yeah that would be great thanks. I will have it just after I check your connection, won’t be a second” I followed him to the front door and watched him step out the house and walk to his van, don’t know what I expected to happen or how watching him would help, but it made me feel better, as he turned to come back I suddenly remembered my offer of tea that I was supposed to me making while he was gone I quickly turned and went to the kitchen, this way it didn’t look like I was staring at him. He went back in to the living room.


BRRRIIING, BRRRIIING. “Yep it’s working” he called “well thanks for that as you can see we just moved here and a phone is kind of a necessity for us” I was making mindless small talk as I walked in the room with his tea. We sat down and continued our small talk awkwardly until he finished his tea, his name was Kevin, I don’t remember much else of what he said, to be honest I wasn’t listening, then I kind of hurried him out of the house I just wanted to be alone and get today over with as soon as possible. I fell asleep a few hours later while waiting for my mum to come home.

 I woke up on the sofa  in the early hours of the morning clearly my mum didn’t want to disturb me but she had laid a blanket over me, I got up and folded the blanket and sleepily started walked to my room. The windows I realised still have no curtains which usually doesn’t bother me, but at night with bare windows I felt unprotected whatever was out there somehow could see my every movement, I try to overcome my feelings, maybe it’s because of over exposure to too many horror films from a young age, that’s it I am responding to unrealistic fears I tell myself in disbelief. My mind battles between Imagination and rationalisation I try not to allow it to go that far ahead, I didn’t really like to, but I had to pass the windows so I quickly ran across the room with my head hanging down I didn’t want to take the chance at glimpsing anything.

I went upstairs, I decided to take a shower and clear my head, I stepped in the bath and just stood there letting the water hit my face, I tried to reach out the shower and turn on the radio I brushed the dial and switched it on “HELLO TO OUR LISTENERS IF YOU’RE JUST TUNING IN WE HAVE JUST BEEN TALKING TO MR SHARP WHO HAS RECENTLY WRITTEN A BOOK ON – I tuned in to a different station, “ ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP,UP IN THE CLUB, WE JUST BROKE UP, I'M DOING MY OWN LITTLE THING”  I reached my arm back in and started to do my best Beyoncé impression in the shower and finally started to relax and let go of all the burdens of the past few days, I guess that’s just how good Beyoncé is. “HELLO TO OUR LISTENERS IF YOU’RE JUST TUNING IN WE HAVE JUST BEEN TALKING TO MR SHARP WHO HAS RECENTLY WRITTEN A BOOK ON PARANORMAL ACTIVITY”  what the? The station changed. How? I reached out the shower again and turned the radio dial and switched it back “I GOT GLOSS ON MY LIPS, A MAN ON MY HIPS GOT ME TIGHTER IN MY DEREON JEANS” ahh much better, I start to sing along then it switches again. HELLO TO OUR LISTENERS AND MISS MCCALLISTER, IF YOU’RE JUST TUNING IN WE HAVE JUST BEEN TALKING TO MR SHARP WHO HAS RECENTLY WRITTEN A BOOK ON PARANORMAL ACTIVITY”  what! Did they just say my name? No they couldn’t have, I must be imagining it right? “MISS MCCALLISTER PLEASE DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL AGAIN” ok I definitely heard it that time what the hell is going on, they can’t be talking to me; my name isn’t that common it has to be explainable somehow. The radio continued to talk and interview, but I couldn’t take any of it in I was so freaked out.  I reach out to switch it again, I touch the dial. “MISS MCCALLISTER DON’T TOUCH THE DIAL” I whipped my hand back in as quickly as I could, I was afraid to move I just stood listening. “SO MR SHARP COULD YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN YOUR BOOK FOR OUR LISTENER?” “YES OF COURSE WELL BASICALLY IT FOCUSES AROUND THE PHENOMENA OF BLACK EYED CHILDREN, IT EXPLAINS THE HISTORY OF THEM, THE FOLKLORE AND EVEN INCLUDES FIRST HAND ACCOUNTS OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD AN ENCOUNTER WITH SUCH BEINGS” that’s all I could take my adrenaline was rushing through my body I jumped out the shower and grabbed the radio with both hands and threw it on the floor smashing it to pieces on the bathroom tiles.

I ran out of the room and locked the door behind me from the outside. I hate this house. I got dressed and went downstairs, my mum was in the kitchen eating breakfast, “mum have you noticed anything weird going on since we got here?” “What do you mean weird?” “Well like yesterday some strange kids came to the house, and it kind of freaked me out” “I haven’t seen any kids around, what freaked you out?” “oh never mind it was probably me just being a bit paranoid” I started to walk out of the kitchen “ oh yeah sorry I think I broke the radio” my mum shouted back “don’t worry it might just need new batteries”.

Ghost Story Competition Entry (Part One)

So a few months ago I entered a ghost story writing competition, and now I found out I didn't win (didn't even come close) I am allowed to post it online for you all to see and this is it, I will be posting it in parts because its pretty long and with all the possibilities on the internet and needing to check twitter every 5 minutes I know your focus is pretty small.


Black Eyes (Part One)

Moving to a new house is never quite like you would expect. it’s not like in the movies where you sit in the car and look out the window with a meaningful glance to all your friends who have taken the time to see you off, and that look on your face just kind of says it all and sums up your friendship perfectly.
Well sadly my life is not a classic eighties movie and my goodbye did not have perfect musical accompaniment and a guy who appears at the last minute running up and saying he loves me and pleading with me not to go because we are soul mates and meant for each other, then by some perfect twist of fate it turns out I don’t have to leave and we live happily ever after. Roll credits.
No, that is not my life.
So if that is the sort of thing you were hoping for then I suggest you stop reading right now, get on your computer and buy all John Hughes movies you can from amazon and leave this story behind.
Well there was no classic ending to my story, I left my house in the middle of the night, my mum came in my room to wake me up, although I wasn’t really sleeping, after another night of my dad knocking her from room to room in a drunken rage she had told me she finally had enough, I was strangely laid back about the whole situation maybe the walls I had built as a child were still up and protecting me just like they always had, or maybe I didn’t believe  my mother would really do it and we would just drive a down a couple streets and sleep in the car, I don’t know and the heartless protective walls around my emotions wouldn’t let me care.
As my mother threw our cases in the boot of the car I walked around my side of  the car to get in just as my dad stumbled out of the front door and down the path, I could see neighbours curtains twitch and a few stepped out to see our circus act. Ladies and gentleman feast your eyes on the suburban domestic abuse double act.
My dad started shouting “YOU’LL NEVER FIND ANYONE, WHO WOULD WANT YOU. YOU’RE NOTHING; YOU’D BE NOTHING WITHOUT ME!”  more neighbours started to step out on their porches just out of some kind of morbid curiosity, help didn't exist on our street nobody took a step further, I can’t say I blame them I wouldn't want to jump in to this mess, I got in the car and shut the door I didn't want to hear anymore, I didn't want anything in that moment except to be anyone else but me. After some more shouting back and forth that I couldn't quite make out as thankfully the old car muffled the sounds of the screaming, I had heard it all before I recited this argument in my head like a familiar old song  I knew so well, my mum eventually climbed in the car and started to drive. We drove in silence for about an hour when we had some distance between us and what used to be our life, I shivered inside as I looked over at my mother’s face it was covered in bruises, a fresh one across the bridge of her nose was cut and bleeding heavily on one side and was dripping down her cheek and on to her shirt.
I wanted to say something supportive or caring, anything that a daughter should say in a situation like this but all I could say was "that's going to stain your shirt" as soon as I said it I wish I had just stayed silent. She didn't respond, who would respond to that anyway, I'm glad she didn't dignify that with a response. I decided that it would be best to just shut up for the rest of the journey, but apparently my mouth had other plans, "where are we going?" I said like my mouth had no filter and at this point I started to hate myself, again not expecting a response, so I was a bit taken aback when my mother slowly replied, "our new home"  her answer only raised more questions, but this time with a protective and concerned filter, I decided not to ask.
 I drifted off to sleep, the journey and exhaustion overcame my curiosity, when I woke Mum was parking the car in front of a huge house, then I knew where we were, it was my nan's old house, I hadn't been here in years, my nan stopped talking to my mother after the last time my parents got back together, she knew he was no good and eventually said make your choice , him or me, probably thinking my mum would make the smart choice and pick the woman who brought her in to this world. But when my mother chose him again then my Nan washed her hands of the whole situation and told her not to come back.  Mother’s bad decision somehow began nan's decline and the heartbreak of watching another human being choosing abuse over love was a rejection to far for her, she died  in this house we were outside alone and lonely a shadow of the  proud woman she once was.
As I walked to the front door the house seemed much smaller then I remembered, as I stepped inside I felt the cold emotional memories of the betrayal of nan's wisdom and how life would have been so different if we had never left. The interior matched the feelings, no pictures, no lived in homely feel, Just dingy white walls all throughout the house, as I walked down the hall I went in each room, nothing unusual just a couple bedrooms, a bathroom and some cupboards. Everywhere I looked in the house was in desperate need of fixing up and modernizing but nowhere close to un-livable, so I guess that if we were staying here then we had our work cut out for us.

Dinosaur Grief.

So seeing as how i asked people on my blogs Facebook page, what they wanted me to do for my next post and no one commented. (which made me feel like and idiot)  I have decided to do what ever the hell I want so I am going to show you some more of my crazy, random and possibly worrying doodles. from the past couple of months. Because its been a while and i felt like it.

OK here we go...

this first one was originally supposed to be a portrait of me, but it looks like a forty year old nerd man that lives with his mum so..... nailed it!

the next is a drawing of a happy dinosaur (wouldn't be so happy if he knew all his loved ones died in a meteor shower 65 million years ago)

i call this one creepy magician and his upside down uni brow sidekick (catchy title)

i really like this one, i also like to think he is an Amish alien (see the slight beard) and lives his simple ways .

 this one is a pig drinking a beverage of some kind (possibly milkshake but unconfirmed)

this is two dog weasels like things flying an airplane  (might be a bit hard to see because of the angle)

the next one i'm gonna be honest, i drew the hand first then added a cool arm/body. i feel i messed up on the head, then i couldn't recreate the hand on the other side so i gave up.

And finally another dinosaur (this one is aware of the death of all his loved ones but is ok with it, he had some counselling and then he found a girlfriend and worked though some stuff and seems to be doing well. but you know one day at a time)   :D

the end.

Sick Day

Today doesn't feel like a work day, you know those days you just cant quite picture getting out of bed. and the thought of work is something that you don't see happening, well today feels like one of those days.

[20th of Jan 1994]

I rolled out of bed, before my feet hit the floor I was already rehearsing the call to my boss, and running through believable excuses. Trying to find something serious enough that I can’t come in, but not so serious that I could still be in tomorrow. It also had to be something that wouldn't have a lot of follow up questions, or any long term lying like the death of a fictional aunt.

As I picked up the phone it was oddly warm and I slowly lifted it to my ear to give myself a second to wake up and get in to the character of sick employee. But as the phone got closer to my ear I heard someone sobbing. Someone was on the line.

Fire

I turned away and walked through the rain. I looked back at what I had done one last time, and took a polaroid, knowing it wouldn’t last forever I wanted to remember the occasion, I could hear sirens coming around the corner, I ran. But didn’t get far. Someone blindsided me I was tackled to the ground “I didn’t get this far to be stopped by some do good citizen”, I punched him in the face and scrambled to my feet and started to run, when I heard him getting up, so I turned back and stamped his head in with my size ten Nikes. I heard a distinct cracking and saw blood pour from his face. I quickly swapped my shoes with a dead man and kept running. 

Ignorance towards Anxiety.

This post below is a status written by a friend of mine about social anxiety.

Which i have been suffering from for years, but only realized what i was dealing with in the last 3 years and starting confronting it.

Me and this girl were pretty good friends but never spoke about this maybe if i had been taught about what i was dealing with in school then me and her would have spoken up and been able to overcome this sooner and enjoyed our education a bit more.

"Through school and college, I got told that I was just a 'shy person' and 'everyone gets like that' and that I just had 'low confidence' this was by teachers, family & friends. I'm not thinking negatively of them, because there's no way they could tell it was something else, on the outside i looked fine to them.
This made me think that what I was going through, was something everyone went through and i would get over it. It meant I went everyday over-thinking things. 
For example, getting on a bus I would dread daily, I would get on and try to find a seat as quickly as possible, I didn't look at anyone, in-case someone I knew was on and it triggered an awkward conversation. 
I always made sure I was early for classes, so I didn't have to walk into a full classroom and have everyone turn and look at me.
At college I would take the route over the top of the common room just so I didn't have to walk through past all the groups of people in there.
There's so many little things which became a routine, and it was mentally tiring. 
At the start of college, I found out we had to do presentations every project, I went and told them that I wouldn't be able to do it. My teacher said "don't worry, by the end of this course you will love doing them!" Obviously he was joking around, but I guess it gave me a bit of hope, thinking that maybe this is how I'm going to grow out of if. Of course I didn't, my presentations just got shorter and shorter and I didn't care what grade I got, I just wanted it over and done with ASAP. 
The start of second term, of the second year, I went to the doctors about it, and he told me its most probably anxiety. I always thought anxiety was something really serious, because I was never really taught about it. But he gave me some drugs which I was meant to take before anything that caused me to be anxious, happened. I tried to, but soon realised that its difficult to judge because I was feeling so anxious all the time I started to forget what the normal me felt like. 
I got through college I guess. The worst came after college and summer, where I'm not going to go into detail, but I was jobless, most of my friends had gone to uni, or had jobs, I had no job, I stayed at home a lot because of this, I started to dread seeing people more and more, I sunk into depression, was stuck there from September till January. Then I figured that I needed help with everything and managed to go to the doctors. Out of all the appointments I went to, I think there was only one where I didn't cry, which was the last one I had. 
I got put on counselling, and actually got offered a lot of help. Anyways eventually I got to a 'stable state' where I could cope with things. 
I guess you are wondering why I made this status? Because people with anxiety don't talk about much at all, because, well they have anxiety, we are scared of being judged because that's embarrassing, and embarrassing situations can trigger a panic attack. I personally think they should do more about mental health in school, I feel that if I'd figured out what was wrong earlier, then it wouldn't have developed into a bigger mess. 
Mental illnesses should be taken more seriously, because forcing me to 'grin and bear it' through school and college, I think just made it worse, it just gave me more things to worry about. 
Anyways end of long status, hopefully I honestly wish more people could understand it. Just because I look okay doesn't mean I am. Just because anyone looks okay doesn't mean they are".

Next time you talk to someone just be a bit nicer because you never know what they have going on in their own head.

If you are reading this and can relate to what is written then just talk to someone, your parent, a doctor your school counsellor even talk to your friend let them know, if they are a true friend they will understand and then you wont have to be alone anymore left to over-think things.

Also school and college can be difficult anyway no matter what, so just remember its not permanent and you can get though this but you will have to do it one day at a time no matter how hard.

Try to deal with what you are going though instead of living with it and hiding from it.

I'm The Lucky One.

I am ungrateful. And if you are reading this then I bet you are to. (Sometimes)

Every day I wake up and squander another day, and millions of people didn't even get to see the morning, someone I know has a friend that has been given the weekend to live. Chances are as I am typing this he could very well be taking his last breath.

All over the world people are dying and all I am concerned with is seeing a film at the cinema or buying the new Stooshe album, now don’t get me wrong I'm not saying I shouldn't do the little things I enjoy and I'm not saying people should constantly only think in terms like this, but I think it is so important that you remember there are much bigger things in life, so next time you are annoyed at your parents that they didn't do that thing you asked them or get that think you wanted, or maybe next time you pass a homeless person in the street, would it really hurt you to give a pound or two or even if you have it to spare £5, because really in the big picture that won’t affect your life to give but it will help them so much.

Maybe just every once in a while just think how good you have it, like really you and I are so, so lucky that we have somewhere warm at night to lay our head and we have people that love us.  We are lucky we have the choice at an education and we are so lucky that we open our eyes today because not everyone will be that lucky.

Saying life is short is a cliché so I won’t say that. but I will say that each day you live is important so don’t squander it. I will try to do the same.

“Just tell yourself, Duckie, you're real quite lucky.” ― Dr. Seuss

The Horse (Creative Writing Story)

Well, well, well so we meet again. just kidding I don’t want to meet you, that’s why I'm writing this blog so you can feel like you’re spending time with me, but without me having to have your disgusting face anywhere near me.

So anyway I was reading a book (with actual pages  you have to turn and everything. old school I know) and I saw some creative writing sentence starters, (if you don’t know what that is, then look it up I don’t have time to explain everything to you. I'm not fucking Google).

The sentence starter was: The horse was lame and bleeding all on the right side…

In the book, one condition of the sentence starters was time yourself and after ten minutes you need to finish up and put your pencils down.

And this is what I wrote

The horse was lame and bleeding all on the right side… I wanted to change the channel but there was nothing else on, it was this or “the hoobs” I should have really gone to sleep but now I was hooked. How will animal cops Houston save this horse?

Its 3am and I have to be up at 6am, for my first day on the road to becoming a Pokémon master… nah I’m just kidding I have to be up at 6am because we are moving to Russia, Moscow to be more precise. I don’t really want to go but since my dad’s job let him go, we have to move in with my nana. Which would be bad enough, but on top of it all I have to start all over again with my whole life. Which if you had asked me last month it would have been fine. But this month everything changed, I will tell you later what happened, but for now I am going to sleep. They saved the horse by the way.

That is what I wrote in ten minutes and I don’t know if I should continue, so if you like it let me know, by either writing a comment on this blog, my Facebook page (for my blog) or tweet me. And if you don’t want me to carry on then, just stay silent I guess.

Ok, well Toodles.

Lazy day song (Cautionary tale)

This song I have written is a cautionary tale, to all the young adults that are going to leave school or college with no plan, this will be your life.

Lazy day song

You wake up each morning quite promptly at eleven; roll over back to sleep for another hour... Or seven.

When you do get up it’s a rather classy affair. Check your nose, wash your face, brush your teeth and your hair. Walk a few steps and sit down and unwind, a day like this can be stressful mind.

Get your laptop or your phone whatever is near. Hash-tag and tweet a few things, while you’re at it remind everyone your still here.

As you mindlessly scroll, click and Google away a valuable way to waste your day. You sit and stuff yourself with a snack or two wondering why good things don't come to you

But as hours go by in front of the Tele you silently justify you’re just a little smelly,

When it gets late and the day is done all the things you had planned pushed one day along.

And that is the end of my lazy day song.

More of a poem but still...

(This is not a poem/song about me. Really it’s not, no seriously. Just kidding yes it is.)

Creative Writing Experience (not dedicated to Niamh)

Ok. so before I write this post I think I need to clarify, that the last post dedicated to Lisa was dedicated to her because she helped my with my confidence and self-esteem issues. Not because she is dead.

Anyway this post is about creative writing, but before I share my creative writing story I need to give some background to how this came about, Well I have been working with a woman (not Lisa a different woman) who is trying to get me back in to the community and make some friends to overcome the social anxiety issues I have, and one thing I asked her to help me find was a creative writing club/class so I could get better at writing and perhaps with better skills find a job writing later down the line, one of the creative writing classes she found was only on the other side of town, and from the look of the website it looked really promising but as I got there and was waiting for it to start my anxiety was increasing so the woman who helped find the class (let’s call her sue) said that maybe we should go inside and see what the room is like and maybe the guy running it will be there early and I could talk to him and that might calm my nerves.

 But when I walked in, it was a freezing cold and really dark in this room with no sign of anyone in sight and with this thing supposed to be starting in just over 5 minutes it didn't really help my anxiety, but after a minute or so a woman came through the other entrance of the building trying to drag a table in the room, as she sees us she introduces herself and we explain who we are, now this woman must have been by my estimations must have been at least 60, and I knew with this type of course I was going to be the youngest one in the room but it never really clicked until that moment that it was going to be an age gap that drastic anyway after all the introductions and a run though on how the group works, and a few shocked looks about  how I said I don’t drink tea or coffee, but then as the group was introduced to the activity we had a bag of hats passed round the room and listen to the group leader read a poem about changing hats that I don’t really feel like I understood but I feel like I got the general tone (a bit like a human talking to a dog) then with the hats we were given we had to create a character and write a monologue then read it aloud and this is what I came up with in 10 minutes 

Originality these days barely exists, I start to ponder as I stand in the back of a dusty charity shop look at jackets and hats that are probably older then I am.

I take off my own black hat and place it at my feet, while I put on a top hat with no top why would anyone donate this ? I take a sneaky picture and put in on Twitter and then keep looking, trying to find something no one else has, so I can stand out among the mindless sheep of today but doing this I start to hate myself slightly who do I think I am to be better than anyone else?

I put my hat back on and began to leave when I notice some hideous fringe vest and instantly I think that’s for me. I try it on and I hate it, I mean seriously hate it I couldn't hate an inanimate object more than I did this one but I have to have it no one else will so that makes it good right?

The story is pretty short but at the time and in my giant childlike hand writing it filled an A4 page so yeah

The End.

Oh yeah and my sister said that I should dedicate this post to some girl named Niamh who reads my blog, but Niamh if you’re reading this then I would like to say that this is not dedicated to you. Because you don’t like my blog fan page on Facebook (which only has like five likes which is pretty sad) so like my page and I will like you. 

The Real End.

I Want To Be Remembered (this post is dedicated to lisa)

Ok I haven’t written in a while mostly because I have been busy starting videos on YouTube but I haven’t forgotten about my blog I have just had only sort of half-baked ideas and I started writing them but never knew how to finish and it felt quite forced and none of my other post felt like that so I wanted to wait until I had an idea that felt natural like my others. And here it is

Lately I have grown and changed a lot probably just in the last 4 months, and it has only hit me now how much I have grown and learned about myself, and one thing I have learned and accepted is my fears and insecurities and it’s so crazy for the first time in my whole life I genuinely don’t hate myself like seriously. I used to hate who I was so much. And now I am so unbelievably positive it’s ridiculous.

But, among all this thinking and acceptance, I was thinking about life and not just mine but living in general and people stories and baggage and also how people can have these entire lives and then just die and they are eventually forgotten like they will be remembered by a few close people they effect but after they have gone then that is it just completely gone all their memories all their dreams hopes fears and their impact to the world (unless they have had a huge contribution to the world like a famous person*) is gone and life goes on and things keep changing and I was thinking that that has happened for millions of years and doesn’t it make life seem kind of small and insignificant and all your problems kind of pointless as well.

Anyway just thought I would drop this depressing post on you and then leave you sad, and hoping that I will have some happy final sentence to leave you with and to change your mood all around … but nope that is all.

Toodles

Bridie

*when I say famous I don’t just mean celebrity I mean like and inventor, writer, politician. anything that would make you like a household name

The Bridie Song

I wish I had a song with my name in.

 There are so many songs out with girl’s names in, why can’t someone write one about me I'm sure loads of things rhyme with Bridie…. None come to mind right now but I'm not a songwriter (so I will let a highly skilled songwriter work on it like one of the geniuses at Eurovision)

Anyway I am not going to attempt to write my own song on here as you may have already guessed. but I am going to edit a few well known songs to see what it would be like to have a song, and if someone is inspired to write a song for me then that would be a bonus. (Hint, hint)

1.      Mandy- Barry Manilow

Well you came and you gave without taking

And I sent you away, oh bridie

And you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

And I need you today, oh Bridie

2.      Jolene- Dolly Parton

Bridie, Bridie, Bridie, Bridie

Im begging of you please don't take my man

Bridie, Bridie, Bridie, Bridie

Please don't take him just because you can

Your beauty is beyond compare

With flaming locks of auburn hair

With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

Your smile is like a breath of spring

Your voice is soft like summer rain

And I cannot compete with you, Bridie

3.      Billie Jean-Michael Jackson

Bridie Jean Is Not My Lover

She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One

But The Kid Is Not My Son

She Says I Am The One, But The Kid Is Not My Son

4.      Ruby - the Kaiser Chiefs

Bridie, Bridie, Bridie, Bridie

And do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya

Know what ya doing, doing to me?

Bridie, Bridie, Bridie, Bridie

5.      Valerie - Amy Winehouse

Since I've come on home,

Well my body's been a mess

And I've missed your ginger hair

And the way you like to dress

Won't you come on over

Stop making a fool out of me

Why don't you come on over Bridie?

Bridie [x3]

Some of these songs work quite well and I feel are improved with my name in, also Jolene and Valerie talk about gingers so I will count it that they are about me secretly

Ok so just after I finished writing this post I decided to Google check to see if I did have a song with my name in (should have probably done that before hand) anyway turns out there is a song (making this entire post pointless. Nice one Bridie)

Anyway here is the link (I don’t like the song very much, but if they want to write a song about me and name there group after me who am I to criticize)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNlHfi8XZoY