Recipe for the perfect British insult (not for the easily offended)

Recipe for the perfect British insult

Ok so I have a fairly different set of insults, compared to the uncreative masses that seem to think calling inanimate objects gay makes sense. (I'm pretty sure that they don’t have a sexual preference although my lamp has come on to me a few times and that weird drunken night together just made things awkward) I use these sort of creative insults on a daily basis (mostly used in semi friendly/jokey tone at my sister) and hear is how you can come up with some similar ones to me (because let’s face it you want to be like me as much as you can) so I will give you two lists one of good insulting words and one of various things this person may or may not be or have.

LIST 1

1.       Whore

2.       Sket

3.       Slag

4.       cum

5.       Bitch

6.       Wanker

7.       arse

8.       douche

9.       Ho

10.   anus

11.   ass

12.   cock

13.   tit/tits

14.   cunt

15.   dick

16.   fuck

17.   Wank

List 2

1.       Bag

2.       Hat

3.       Face

4.       Sundae

5.       Suit/tuxedo (class up your insults)

6.       Balloon

7.       Pile

8.       Monkey/bear/butterfly (any animal really)

9.       Mobile

10.   Rainbow

11.   Tie

12.   Sandwich

13.   Remix

My favourites are: slag tuxedo, tit balloon, dick rainbow and cum butterfly.

Wiggles the time traveling dinosaur

A letter to myself from the future

So I wrote this in fifty years’ time, and I thought I would share with you what happens in the future which is the present, but soon to be the past after the now…. anyway on with the letter.

Hey Bridie,

I am writing this letter old school style, because something extremely important has happened and the battery on my laptop died. technology is still shit (big shocker you would think after fifty years batteries would last more than a couple hours). But back to the point, I have written to tell you that….. wait for it……………… time travel is possible (awesome I know right) and it turns out you invented it, that is why your reading this letter I left in the fridge. by the way don’t drink the milk… you already did it didn’t you.. oh well anyway spit out the milk lumps in your mouth and focus. I thought I would give this letter to you to make the whole ruling the world thing a lot lot easier, I have gone back and managed to captured a Diplodocus. this will be crucial to ruling the world, I have hidden it just of the coast of Brighton near the pier, don’t worry its wearing a scuba mask so it should be good for a couple decades until you need it. I also called it wiggles, but I'm getting off track I will go in to more details about wiggles later.

Ruling the world is so simple, I can’t believe no one thought of it sooner I mean it’s so obvious. Seriously, you have to be a moron not to know how to do it. But I can’t write it on here because if I know us we will put it on our blog. (Which, by the way gets us super famous and rich, like we always dreamed). so to rule the world you have you invent time travel. to keep it brief the things you will need are

·         A plate of turkey dinosaurs (don’t show them to wiggles it turns in to a whole ugly thing. trust me)

·         Some stopwatches

·         An old school Gameboy with  Pokémon blue

·         A Diana Ross cd (Without the Supremes, I liked her better with them too but this recipe is very specific)

·         A bucket of assorted coloured golf balls

·         A toaster

·         3 tags ripped off mattresses

·         And a light lunch and a glass of orange juice(not for the time machine just in case you get hungry while your working)

With these simple items you can transform just about any vehicle in to a time machine (except a DeLorean for copyright reasons.)

For more information on time travel you will have to wait for our quadruple platinum album to come out in 6 months and play track 6 backwards. this will give you direction of where to meet me and I will help you from there. I will also be carrying 3 Pokémon for you to pick one and start your journey to be the greatest Pokémon master

Lots of love Bridie

P.S. we are awesome

Hidden secrets deep within

Ok, I thought this was a good time to tell you an awesome story that is along the same line as fifty shades of grey (I assume having never read it and I am also guessing that my story will out sell E. L. James and I will be a billionaire and be friends with Beyoncé), so this story is something I wrote in my first year of college with my friend Alex. It all started because we were helping my other friend Katie create cover art for the book she was writing at the time called Hidden secrets deep within. and then we saw someone on a computer opposite writing a story about a fairy. so we did what all good writers do and stole both the ideas and mashed them together and made a completely insane super awesome story of nonsensical cool pie, with a side of rainbow juice. (Rainbow juice sounds delicious)

 If you were in my acting class in college you might remember it but probably not, unless this story was a big poignant moment in your life if so thanks or maybe you should thank me either way this is it.

Hidden secrets deep within

There once was a fairy called Katie (in absolutely, positively no relation to Katie Reynolds at all… and we did not steal her title either). She lived in a very pretty cottage even though she was really ugly. She decided to marry her retarded cousin, whose name was Johnavitch the third. Johnavitch’s mother was Queen Elizabeth I. Johnavitch had a secret deep within, only a few amount of people knew. Johnavitch was born in the 18^th century no one knows exactly when, you see his secret deep within is that he is a VAMPIRE!!

So one day after Katie (again, not referring to Katie Reynolds) and Johnavitch had supper, Chinese boys dipped in tomato ketchup. Johnavitch bit Katie and she was pregnant … (yes that’s how it works!) seven years later, Katie the fairy gave birth to 676 children. The only boy who spawned from the ugly fairy and the vampire had homosexual tendencies. He was also a witch  :O

This witch was called peter he then killed the whole family, all 675 of his siblings and his parents because they all inherited the ugly gene from their mother. Also the children were ginger … EWW?!

THE END …

OR IS IT??

Temporary noodle blindness (its a real thing)

Whenever I have a big gap between entries, like before my last post I wish I had a good reason, I would like to be able to say I have been super busy hanging out with friends, or working hard and doing something with my life. But I haven’t I have been sleeping all day and watching horror movies at night, classic ones obviously. (Actually that sounds really bad) pretend you didn’t read that sentence and act like you just read up until the word life.

Anyway on a rare occasion outside, I ventured to Brighton with my sister. To see “seeking a friend for the end of the world” (it was ok. Spoiler alert the world ends and everyone dies) and after this movie we bought some noodles (the world’s best fucking food) I decided to eat mine in Brighton like a normal noodle loving human.

But my sister being the noodle saving freak she is she didn’t eat them and put them in the fridge when we got home (why?…. I mean seriously, why??) and warned everyone not to eat them  but as she warned me not to eat them, a sudden disorder came over me this particular condition is caused by a lack of noodles (although it can be caused by a lack of any food item that you find delicious) and this affliction I have named temporary noodle blindness

It is extremely serious; however the symptoms are relatively self-explanatory. the person lacking in this food substance they find delicious but are denied access too, is overcome with a sudden attack of blindness (or the blinddies) usually at its most serious when they are with close range of this item, but to help them overcome this they develop a keen survival sense and are able to locate and consume the item extremely quickly, and during this process the guilt gland or in laymen’s terms the  notgiveafuck gland in your body shrinks to one quarter its normal size due to the extreme deliciousness of eating the item you were craving. After you have eaten the item that caused your blindness miraculously you are cured.

So long story short I ate the noodles.

And my chosen sign out phrase this time is ….

Chow Mein (noodle related get it?)

The story of the salesman robot

In another attempt to clear out my room, I found loads of old doodles and stories I wrote (and by wrote I mean I convinced somebody else to write it down while I spewed out nonsensical strings of random thoughts that made a story) in school instead of learning (time well spent if you ask me) and this is a pretty good one called…

The story of the salesman robot

One day on Robot Island, there was a robot that was a salesman called salesman robot. He was the best salesman robot in all of Robot Island, but he didn’t want to be a salesman anymore. He wanted to be a superhero/king. So he became one, but after an hour or so he became bored of it, and decided to become an evil villain.

So he got himself an evil lair and a fluffy robot cat and a spinney chair. He practiced his evil laugh every day and found an arch enemy on the internet. He kidnapped the queen and his enemy came to save her, but the evil ex salesman robot blew up his arch enemy with dynamite and killed him and nobody else tried to save the queen so he stayed evil and lived out his days doing evil things and hanging out with his cat in his lair then many years later he died

The end