the real origin of gingers

So I have decided to finally tell you the ancient secret to the origin of gingers it and the amazing and noble tale so let’s begin

It all began many many millennia ago in 1982. That is the first known existence of a ginger child and this all came about due to many children being kidnapped by a crazy hypnotist known as the pied piper (this is the part of the fairytale they didnt want to tell you), who lures children away from their home. due to a long standing grudge with the adults about some kind of dispute with none payment for rat removal or some shit like that.

Anyway, the world was quickly running out of children even though everyone was doing their part (if you know what I mean). They had even outlawed condoms in some parts of the world, but it wasn’t enough children were disappearing too quickly, so many people (mostly crazy women) had tried to replace this longing for children with animals like cats but that’s just weird (especially when you call them your babies). so one day the government CIA and FBI and Jesus teamed up and called themselves the extreme super awesome gang bunch (catchy name if I do say so myself), and they organised a giant search party team to find the missing children.

And after almost 45 minutes they were found. in and old abandoned crisp factory but knowing that that pied piper would not give up the children easily, the extreme super awesome gang bunch had to devise a plan and it went something like this.

CIA: we need a really good plan, Jesus any ideas?

Jesus: well I dunno, I have a few loaves of bread and some fish if anyone is hungry.

CIA: GOD DAMN IT JESUS NOT NOW! Seriously stop can you drop it, you have been banging on about that party trick for 2000 years.

Jesus: oh don’t you dare drag my dad in to this, and what miracles have you performed lately CIA? What does that even stand for anyway?

CIA: you know what it stands for. You, know it hurts us when you always undermine us at every turn.

Jesus: yeah well you deserved it for making fun of me, I was just trying to provide a nice healthy lunch for you.

FBI: guys focus. The population of the earth depends on this mission and all you’re doing is bickering like a bunch of children.

Jesus: yeah well they started it.

CIA: did not.

Jesus: did so.

FBI: shut up! I have a plan, so just listen to me and grow up. What we should do is (whispers really quietly in a huddle).

CIA: oh I get it so we just have to … (switches back to whispering just to annoy you all)

FBI: so you all clear on what to do.

ALL: OK, THE EXTREME SUPER AWESOME GANG BUNCH GO!

So, they all worked together as a team and rescued all the children with a complex but highly plausible plan and everyone lived happily ever after.

And that is the origins of gingers………… wait that didn’t explain anything. Hang on let me add a quick couple of paragraphs explaining it all just a minute ….

Ok umm... so the extreme super awesome gang bunch had just freed almost all of the children, but just then the pied piper came to put a halt to this and stop the good guys from winning. (are they really the good guys though I mean all the pied piper wanted was what is fair sure he may have gone too far with the whole taking all the earths children but who hasn’t ). So the pied piper played a song to lead the remaining children back to him and as they were marching back up some old rusty staircase it broke. And all the children fell.

This broke the hold that Mr Piper had on them but unfortunately it also meant the children had landed on a crisp making machine. and in a highly coincidental series of events the machine had been turned on and was working perfectly fine, so due to this the children are on a conveyer belt edging closer to what looks like some giant oven but maybe not.

The extreme super awesome gang bunch raced to try and stop the conveyer belt, and Jesus floated the FBI up in the air so they could fly for no other reason than it looked cooler than regular running. As this was going on the CIA people snuck up behind the pied piper and broke his magic flute pipe thing. And that is the secret to all his powers so naturally he was defeated and melted and died. Just as the pied piper died the FBI stopped the conveyer belt but it was too late and all the children had gone in to the machine, then Jesus started crying because they hadn’t succeeded to save all the children and the extreme super awesome gang bunch just decided to go home and drink tea on a mountain

as they were walking away the children were coming out of the other end of the machine and they were alive it turns out it wasn’t and oven it was a colour adding machine…. did I mention this particular crisp factory was a Wotsit factory, so all the children that went through the machine were now ginger (because it only affected their hair for some reason) and although scientists tried all they could, it seemed irreversible and the colouring came with other problems like freckling and extreme pale skin prone to sun burn and the government just had to treat them like regular people and they eventually just bred and became integrated in to society.

The end J

if i die this list will be the life flashing before my eyes.

Just a quick entry today, entitled……………. dun da da dun

The list of films/TV shows I could watch over and over and never get bored (catchy title I know)

This list is in no particular order (except the order that I write it in obviously)

Films

1.       The Wiz

2.       Georgia rule

3.       Easy A

4.       The scream quadrilogy

5.       Home alone 1 and 2 (if it doesn’t have Macaulay Culkin it can actually fuck off yes I am talking to you home alone 3 and 4)

6.       Party monster

7.       Disney’s Hercules

8.       Mean girls (most quotable film in the world)

9.       Rocky horror picture show

10.   Why do fools fall in love?

11.   Why did I get married 1 and 2

TV shows

1.       Friends

2.       My name is earl

3.       How I met your mother

4.       Big bang theory

5.       Modern family

6.       Raising hope

7.       New girl

8.       Cougar town

9.       King of queens

10.   Scrubs

The end (super thrilling entry, I can tell you all care so much.)

Jenna Marbles 100th Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adQTmfXr_OQ&list=UU9gFih9rw0zNCK3ZtoKQQyA&index=1&feature=plcp

The story of Phillip Schofield and that box on the table on this morning (you know the one I'm talking about the wooden one with a union jack on).

The story of Phillip Schofield and that box on the table on this morning (you know the one I'm talking about the wooden one with a union jack on).

Let’s face it you are all dying to know what the hell is in that box, on the table on the TV show this morning. It drives you all crazy with the possibilities that it could be almost anything in there (or maybe I'm just projecting), but recently I was talking to Philip (he’s an old family friend from the time my dad did an emergency hair transplant operation) and he told me a tale about the contents of the box in question.

(Imagine a giant old timey story book opening and read by Philip)

Now it all began two weeks ago. I believe (I don’t really think that is enough time to get an old timey book published but whatever. by now I am used to Philip’s lies….. anyway) when I received a letter from a this morning viewer it started of sounding like an average fan letter, I love you and want your babies… blah, blah, blah but at the bottom of the page written in super cool calligraphy was

 What exists in the interior of the wooden chest?

(Roughly translated in your young person vernacular this means WTF’s in the box mate?) So this question got me thinking, back to the first day the box arrived it was………………….. One day when the set got redesigned for the new season. and I can still recall a conversation I overheard some of the tech people having how they found all the furniture on an ancient Indian burial ground, at the time I thought that was a bit unusual we usually just go to ikea or dress the interns up as a table making them believe that it is a stepping stone to fame (it’s not). after that I just went on about my day to day business not really giving it much more thought and a few weeks went by and I received another letter asking the same question .

What exists in the interior of the wooden chest?

I thought about writing back to the person but I didn’t have an answer. so I thought I will go in to work even earlier tomorrow and check it out, when nobody is around and again, I just got on with my day. And went home and went to bed. then I woke up super early and travelled in to work I thought before I look at the box I would just swing by my dressing room, when I got there I saw an envelope with no stamp or address just my name. when I opened it the letter all that was written XOB, I thought XOB what the hell is XOB. but then I held it up to the mirror and I read it BOX (dun dun dun some real shining shit right there. it was also written in blood I forgot to mention that before), it was right then I marched out of my dressing room and straight over to the box and opened up.

Inside that box was something that is beyond describable words, it was a unimaginable colours that aren’t even on the spectrum. a bunch of words floating about (really long cool ones and a few compliments) and singing so pure your ears would fall off and melt in to a puddle on the floor. Because they knew nothing else would be that good, so they could die happy (which is the lifelong dream of ears btw). then I was being drawn in to the box closer and closer and then I was sucked in to the box and something had changed, I had an uneasy feeling and everything was all mean and spikey and looked like it had all been on fire at some point. I had clearly been tricked and all the sweet things I saw and heard was just to lure me in.

I didn’t have time to look around because just then I saw a group of mini Lorraine’s come out from behind some trees and kidnapped me. and took me to their lair which was a giant hole in a tree that was connected to a bunch of underground tunnels. They put me down in front of their leader which looked like just the regular Lorraine but she was speaking in some kind of crazy language I couldn’t understand I think it was Scottish. and from what I could gather she was asking me to find a book of ancient spells and gave me a map that looked eerily similar to the London underground map and just as I looked up from the map they were gone and I was standing at the entrance of the tree.

As I was walking aimlessly around this crazy new box world. I came across a brightly coloured stone path that resembled but is legally distinct from a brick road that saw in film, that I probably shouldn’t mention for fear of being sued *cough Wizard of Oz cough*. as I walked this path I felt like bursting in to song and dance but I didn’t because this isn’t a musical.after a while I got tired and looked for a place to sit down, just then I saw a table with some guy with a crazy hat drinking tea with a rabbit so decided to steer clear of them and keep walking because they were clearly on drugs.

Then I looked at the map to see if I was at least heading in the right direction, I was looking in my bag that I now have for some reason. But I couldn’t find it suddenly an old lady in a black cloak was standing above me and offered me an apple. I decided to take it because she seemed pretty insistent, I don’t know why and I was quite hungry. but as I took a bite I choked and died and was buried in a glass coffin carried by a really strong short schizophrenic man…

Just then I woke up in my makeup chair, realizing that the whole thing was a dream. And it was that day that I to stop drinking while watching a classic movie marathon as I went to go and start work I saw a letter addressed to me from a school of wizardry …….

To be continued……

I WANT CANDY.... no i mean a comment oopps

I know this may come as an earth shattering shock to you all, but I don’t always feel like the confident, beautiful, radiant, entertaining, poised, graceful, bold, hilarious, magnificent, comical and stunning person I appear to be (I know it’s true but don’t cry). sometimes I doubt myself and wonder if people like me or not and feel like I'm not good at anything, if I have any talents (at least I can eliminate acting we all know that clearly isn’t my future).

But, lately in my quest for blog page views and needing some reassurance that I am good at writing. something has been bothering me …. Wow this is hard to say ….. I (wait for it) want (wait for it) a (wait for it) com (wait for it) ment.  

I WANT A COMMENT. a comment on my actual blog, saying if my entry is good or funny or something. I want it so bad I would do almost anything for a comment and to prove it. I will give you a list of things I would do cleverly entitled

 Things I would do for a comment on my blog

1.       Break bricks with my face

2.       Punch a baby

3.       Use secret mind power

4.       be robot for ten minutes

5.       Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning

6.       Try to swallow my tongue

7.       Pretend to drive an invisible car and offer strangers (and small children) lifts.

8.       Spin in a circle really really fast

9.       dress up as a wizard and challenge people to duels

10.   air band busking

11.   wear a bear costume

12.   Moonwalk everywhere.(I can’t really moonwalk )

13.   pretend to be a ninja.(it’s not really pretending)

14.   Throw a kiwi at tiff

15.   Hypnotize People

16.   Fight an emu

17.   Do drugs

18.   Set old people on fire

19.   Finish this list

20.   Say ''LOL'' even though Im not laughing out loud.

21.   drink and drive in my invisible car

22.   give my bank details to that Nigerian prince who emailed me

23.   write a musical of my life through the eyes of my cat

Friday 13th. (new horror films are shit.)

I decided to watch horrors for Friday 13^th, but then before I started. I got scared of being killed by all the evil murderers (that obviously dwell in Lewes) and decided to watch freaky Friday instead. I think we can all agree is basically just as scary..... Oh God I'm a wuss.

Ok. I do have good reason for wussing out, first reason is my room is on the ground floor so the ghost face killer would easily get to me and escape without even breaking a sweat. (and I think I would die really quickly in a horror movie, because I have just talked myself in to the fact I'm not a surviving type character. I'm am slow and not pretty so I have no audience appeal. I might as well be some dumb bitch girl who always runs upstairs instead of out the front door. Yes I am paraphrasing scream.)

Second reason is my sister has gone to a sleep over so I am on my own downstairs so if Freddie Kruger decided to kill me in my sleep no one could wake me up in time. But if I stay awake to avoid this it could be his plan. In the remake Freddy intended to trap Nancy , by keeping her awake for so long that, when she finally did fall asleep, she wouldn't wake up.(im on to you, i know what you are doing.... but your scary so i doubt i will do anything about it)

And third reason is I haven't seen freaky Friday in ages and it's pretty good. So……………… I should really see it. (The remake with Lindsay Lohan, I like her so screw anyone who doesn't)

I'm fucked…

Why have I not referenced any recent horror films :/

My name is Bridie

My name is Bridie

Things I have been called that aren’t my name, and if you call me them I will probably want to hit you.

·         Bridley

·         Bridget

·         Brindie

·         Birdie

·         Bride

·         Brideito (this was originally a joke name I came up with for my evil twin that just happened to be in all the same places as me but only when I did something stupid, then it just got annoying)

·         Briddy

·         Bryony

·         Friday (I mean seriously WTF)

·         Brindle

·         Brind

·         Brady

·         Dotty (I am called this by my sister just when I wear a pyjama top that says dotty, it’s so creative and original I know, but it pisses me off none the less.)

Chivalry is dead.

Chivalry is dead, so today in my extremely uneventful daily activitys, I was traveling home on a train after the person I was supposed to meet didnt show up (you know who you are and I hate you). so I wasted 10 pounds on a ticket. And during my journey home. There were no spare seats and I was left to stand for the 20min journey, even though I hoped someone would offer a seat. No one did for me, but what I think is worse is I was standing next to and elderly lady and no one offered a seat to her and this woman must have been at least 70 and I know people shouldn't expect respect just because of age. and I'm fully aware that some old people are rude. but I just think....... someone should have let me sit down because I'm lazy and its hard to type this standing on a train.

When I'm older if I have kids I'm going to raise them to be polite and stand up for people and give them a chair on a train or bus or hold a door or not keep their headphones in while talking to someone.
like a person from the fifties but with out the racism or sexism.

the day I shrunk really really small for some reason.

Ok everyone listen up. so I can tell you the extremely true, and not in any way made up by me at 4oclock in the morning one time when I couldn’t sleep then decided to write it down so I could put it on my blog. no this is all 100% true. (may not be true at all and is most likely made up by me at 4oclock in the morning one time when I couldn’t sleep then decided to write it down so I could put it on my blog) this story is called the day I shrunk really really small for some reason (warning this story may have some slight major plot holes)

So it all began one day on a dark and stormy night some many many many millennia ago, about this time last year. And I had just come home from my intense workout of sitting watching TV and decided to switch it up and watch TV on my room before I go to sleep. not long after I did this I slipped in to a peaceful slumber, but when morning had broken like the first morning (betcha got that song in your head now) I appeared to not be in my room I was surrounded by darkness and almost weighed down by this darkness it was suffocating.

I started running (jokes I don’t run) and then I fell suddenly off of the end of my bed. I was still in my room and I wondered (whilst falling) why I was falling off my bed then it hit me (the floor Haha im so funny.  I must be in an episode of Punked and they have replaced all my furniture with giant replicas (obviously) then super suddenly, the ground was shaking and my door burst open (it just opened normally but I like adding description). it was my sister she had come in to my room to steal Dvds (that’s right I know) but what I did notice (with my keen observation) was that she was about 10000 times taller than me (I mean I am the shortest in my family but this is ridiculous) and then I started to think maybe I wasn’t on Punked (I doubt they would have the budget big enough to create a giant Ebony (my sister) robot) at that moment I realised I must have shrunk really really tiny for some reason, then just as my sister was about to leave my room (being kind enough to stay just until I finished my really long thought process) I jumped on to her shoe realising it would probably be quicker than walking.

but traveling on my sisters shoe did have some disadvantages, as she was walking towards to the front door I thought ok well if she goes outside I could fall off and never be able to get back home and find the antidote. (I mean there has to be some kind of antidote to this it’s how it works in the movies either that or I have to learn some kind of lesson about appreciating the people around me). So not wanting to get stuck outside I started climbing up her jeans and hide in her pocket. After what fell like a week in her pocket, I had grown tired of being crushed between receipts and pennies and thought that I should make a break for it and even if I never made it home at least I would have a good adventure, movies and stories are never made out of people who do the common sense of easiest solution the first time, no they all do a super complex series of things and have a good couple of hours’ worth of adventure to entertain their audience.

So to jump out of her pocket from this height I would need some kind of parachute so I grabbed a stick of gum out of the pack and started to chew it “oh fuck” it was minty. I hate mint gum. I considered spitting it out and just not bother with an adventure I mean its minty gum. I knew this adventure would have some difficultly but ewww, anyway during my extremely long train of thought I had chewed the gum enough to escape. So I got up and stood on the edge of her pocket and jumped as I was falling I blew a bubble and floated safely to the ground. (simple)

When I looked around I was in Brighton and I decided I might as well go to the cinema so I walked down to the odeon and watched a film. then I got a bit bored and wanted to go bowling so when I got out of the odeon I jumped on a car exhaust and travelled close to the marina and jumped off and had to walk the rest of the way after a fun afternoon of bowling (don’t ask how I bowled being tiny)

I then climbed up a phone box and called Morgan Freeman then I explained everything that happened (he was pissed off I didn’t invite him bowling but he got over it) and said he had and antidote because the same thing happened to him last week so he sent it in the post (6 to 8 weeks later I was cured).

Telling you of nonsense things

The end.

You have just read 902 words.

it's not tomorrow until i wake up.

I am fully aware I have missed a few days but SHHH! (And I will continue to shh you until you stop talking and just pay attention to me)

So I have been super-duper bored lately (so bored I started tidying) and I came across a few doodles I did a while ago and I thought I would put them on here I also added a few to the collection and they are all awesome

Here is the first one I want to show you I didn’t actually find this one I had it blue tacked to my shelf for a while if I remember correctly I drew this in history in yr10 no wonder I got a D (clearly getting an A in life though) so screw you Mr Cope and your ridiculously long arms

It’s a horse body with interchangeable heads (obviously)

·         The first one is clearly bird horse

·         The second one is a dino horse

·         And third is a regular horse head but undoubtedly it is evil (I mean just look at that curly moustache)

The next picture I want to show you is called cheeky cherries

I just want to say that I drew this with entirely innocent intentions but looking at it looks like the one behind is doing something weird to the one in front (I don’t think the name helps)  :/

This one is called thoughtful pigeon, but I feel that he is more posh than thoughtful, or if he does think it would be about rich things like the outrageous top hat tax, that the bird community has just put in place. (That’s why you don’t see birds in hats, probably… either that or the fact they bob their head when they walk so the hat might keep falling off.)

I call this one on the left “Happy salamander” and the one on the right is just a UFO. That is all.

I'm not really sure what this is really or what to call it (I think it’s my favourite though) I thought it could be a mouldy fish finger but they’re rectangle so I guess I'm back to square one I might call it “mouldy henry”.

A few doodles that don’t need much said.

A happy bug

Angry Robot Dinosaur

Tiny Monster

Dog In A Bag

A Robot

And The Sun :)

This was supposed to be a pumpkin but it looks more like a stripy apple…… oh well.

With this one it was originally a scribble to get my pen working but I made it a sort of robot thing....

And finally this is scared cat in a bag a slight variation to my almost famously know cat in a bag that I am an expert at drawing.

(i started this post at 11pm so technically it still counts as 01/07/12)