the real origin of gingers

So I have decided to finally tell you the ancient secret to the origin of gingers it and the amazing and noble tale so let’s begin

It all began many many millennia ago in 1982. That is the first known existence of a ginger child and this all came about due to many children being kidnapped by a crazy hypnotist known as the pied piper (this is the part of the fairytale they didnt want to tell you), who lures children away from their home. due to a long standing grudge with the adults about some kind of dispute with none payment for rat removal or some shit like that.

Anyway, the world was quickly running out of children even though everyone was doing their part (if you know what I mean). They had even outlawed condoms in some parts of the world, but it wasn’t enough children were disappearing too quickly, so many people (mostly crazy women) had tried to replace this longing for children with animals like cats but that’s just weird (especially when you call them your babies). so one day the government CIA and FBI and Jesus teamed up and called themselves the extreme super awesome gang bunch (catchy name if I do say so myself), and they organised a giant search party team to find the missing children.

And after almost 45 minutes they were found. in and old abandoned crisp factory but knowing that that pied piper would not give up the children easily, the extreme super awesome gang bunch had to devise a plan and it went something like this.

CIA: we need a really good plan, Jesus any ideas?

Jesus: well I dunno, I have a few loaves of bread and some fish if anyone is hungry.

CIA: GOD DAMN IT JESUS NOT NOW! Seriously stop can you drop it, you have been banging on about that party trick for 2000 years.

Jesus: oh don’t you dare drag my dad in to this, and what miracles have you performed lately CIA? What does that even stand for anyway?

CIA: you know what it stands for. You, know it hurts us when you always undermine us at every turn.

Jesus: yeah well you deserved it for making fun of me, I was just trying to provide a nice healthy lunch for you.

FBI: guys focus. The population of the earth depends on this mission and all you’re doing is bickering like a bunch of children.

Jesus: yeah well they started it.

CIA: did not.

Jesus: did so.

FBI: shut up! I have a plan, so just listen to me and grow up. What we should do is (whispers really quietly in a huddle).

CIA: oh I get it so we just have to … (switches back to whispering just to annoy you all)

FBI: so you all clear on what to do.

ALL: OK, THE EXTREME SUPER AWESOME GANG BUNCH GO!

So, they all worked together as a team and rescued all the children with a complex but highly plausible plan and everyone lived happily ever after.

And that is the origins of gingers………… wait that didn’t explain anything. Hang on let me add a quick couple of paragraphs explaining it all just a minute ….

Ok umm... so the extreme super awesome gang bunch had just freed almost all of the children, but just then the pied piper came to put a halt to this and stop the good guys from winning. (are they really the good guys though I mean all the pied piper wanted was what is fair sure he may have gone too far with the whole taking all the earths children but who hasn’t ). So the pied piper played a song to lead the remaining children back to him and as they were marching back up some old rusty staircase it broke. And all the children fell.

This broke the hold that Mr Piper had on them but unfortunately it also meant the children had landed on a crisp making machine. and in a highly coincidental series of events the machine had been turned on and was working perfectly fine, so due to this the children are on a conveyer belt edging closer to what looks like some giant oven but maybe not.

The extreme super awesome gang bunch raced to try and stop the conveyer belt, and Jesus floated the FBI up in the air so they could fly for no other reason than it looked cooler than regular running. As this was going on the CIA people snuck up behind the pied piper and broke his magic flute pipe thing. And that is the secret to all his powers so naturally he was defeated and melted and died. Just as the pied piper died the FBI stopped the conveyer belt but it was too late and all the children had gone in to the machine, then Jesus started crying because they hadn’t succeeded to save all the children and the extreme super awesome gang bunch just decided to go home and drink tea on a mountain

as they were walking away the children were coming out of the other end of the machine and they were alive it turns out it wasn’t and oven it was a colour adding machine…. did I mention this particular crisp factory was a Wotsit factory, so all the children that went through the machine were now ginger (because it only affected their hair for some reason) and although scientists tried all they could, it seemed irreversible and the colouring came with other problems like freckling and extreme pale skin prone to sun burn and the government just had to treat them like regular people and they eventually just bred and became integrated in to society.

The end J