The story of Phillip Schofield and that box on the table on this morning (you know the one I'm talking about the wooden one with a union jack on).
Let’s face it you are all dying to know what the hell is in that box, on the table on the TV show this morning. It drives you all crazy with the possibilities that it could be almost anything in there (or maybe I'm just projecting), but recently I was talking to Philip (he’s an old family friend from the time my dad did an emergency hair transplant operation) and he told me a tale about the contents of the box in question.
(Imagine a giant old timey story book opening and read by Philip)
Now it all began two weeks ago. I believe (I don’t really think that is enough time to get an old timey book published but whatever. by now I am used to Philip’s lies….. anyway) when I received a letter from a this morning viewer it started of sounding like an average fan letter, I love you and want your babies… blah, blah, blah but at the bottom of the page written in super cool calligraphy was
What exists in the interior of the wooden chest?
(Roughly translated in your young person vernacular this means WTF’s in the box mate?) So this question got me thinking, back to the first day the box arrived it was………………….. One day when the set got redesigned for the new season. and I can still recall a conversation I overheard some of the tech people having how they found all the furniture on an ancient Indian burial ground, at the time I thought that was a bit unusual we usually just go to ikea or dress the interns up as a table making them believe that it is a stepping stone to fame (it’s not). after that I just went on about my day to day business not really giving it much more thought and a few weeks went by and I received another letter asking the same question .
What exists in the interior of the wooden chest?
I thought about writing back to the person but I didn’t have an answer. so I thought I will go in to work even earlier tomorrow and check it out, when nobody is around and again, I just got on with my day. And went home and went to bed. then I woke up super early and travelled in to work I thought before I look at the box I would just swing by my dressing room, when I got there I saw an envelope with no stamp or address just my name. when I opened it the letter all that was written XOB, I thought XOB what the hell is XOB. but then I held it up to the mirror and I read it BOX (dun dun dun some real shining shit right there. it was also written in blood I forgot to mention that before), it was right then I marched out of my dressing room and straight over to the box and opened up.
Inside that box was something that is beyond describable words, it was a unimaginable colours that aren’t even on the spectrum. a bunch of words floating about (really long cool ones and a few compliments) and singing so pure your ears would fall off and melt in to a puddle on the floor. Because they knew nothing else would be that good, so they could die happy (which is the lifelong dream of ears btw). then I was being drawn in to the box closer and closer and then I was sucked in to the box and something had changed, I had an uneasy feeling and everything was all mean and spikey and looked like it had all been on fire at some point. I had clearly been tricked and all the sweet things I saw and heard was just to lure me in.
I didn’t have time to look around because just then I saw a group of mini Lorraine’s come out from behind some trees and kidnapped me. and took me to their lair which was a giant hole in a tree that was connected to a bunch of underground tunnels. They put me down in front of their leader which looked like just the regular Lorraine but she was speaking in some kind of crazy language I couldn’t understand I think it was Scottish. and from what I could gather she was asking me to find a book of ancient spells and gave me a map that looked eerily similar to the London underground map and just as I looked up from the map they were gone and I was standing at the entrance of the tree.
As I was walking aimlessly around this crazy new box world. I came across a brightly coloured stone path that resembled but is legally distinct from a brick road that saw in film, that I probably shouldn’t mention for fear of being sued *cough Wizard of Oz cough*. as I walked this path I felt like bursting in to song and dance but I didn’t because this isn’t a musical.after a while I got tired and looked for a place to sit down, just then I saw a table with some guy with a crazy hat drinking tea with a rabbit so decided to steer clear of them and keep walking because they were clearly on drugs.
Then I looked at the map to see if I was at least heading in the right direction, I was looking in my bag that I now have for some reason. But I couldn’t find it suddenly an old lady in a black cloak was standing above me and offered me an apple. I decided to take it because she seemed pretty insistent, I don’t know why and I was quite hungry. but as I took a bite I choked and died and was buried in a glass coffin carried by a really strong short schizophrenic man…
Just then I woke up in my makeup chair, realizing that the whole thing was a dream. And it was that day that I to stop drinking while watching a classic movie marathon as I went to go and start work I saw a letter addressed to me from a school of wizardry …….
To be continued……
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